New Address, Same Inspiration & Hope

For several months now, this blog has been folded into a comprehensive infertility website: PregnantWithHope.com.

If you are interested in reading blog posts that deliver hope and inspiration for the infertility journey, click this link. You'll find hundreds of scripture-based messages that will renew your faith in God's purposefulness. If you want to subscribe (so you can receive all future posts), just enter your email address.

If you want additional information on support groups, scriptural resources, and much more, please visit the website. And, if you'd ever like to contact me directly, I'd love to hear from you: Susan@pregnantwithhope.com.

I'm here to help!

blessings always,
Susan Radulovacki

Exceedingly, Abundantly... Despite Infertility

I met Kirsten and Mike when they were well into their infertility journey. They’d had a spontaneous miscarriage at 18 weeks. “When you go through a miscarriage that’s further along in a pregnancy,” Kirsten said, “a big, huge hole opens up in your life. You feel like you’re completely isolated. You know in your mind that other people have gone through this, but you never expect it to happen to you.”

When they felt ready to try again, they had four unsuccessful IUIs and an IVF cycle that resulted in no embryos. Their doctor, a well-known infertility expert, told them they had infertility “of unknown origin” – and then dropped a bomb. As Mike recalled, “The doctor actually said to us, ‘You will never have kids.’ It took every bit of emotional strength to try to get through it. Kirsten was nuts. She was hitting herself and saying, ‘I’m worthless!’ It was really tough.”

Their doctor pushed them toward egg donation. Mike was willing to think seriously about international adoption. But Kirsten felt a need to try IVF one last time. “I needed a period at the end of the sentence that said, ‘It will not work.’” They found a doctor at Cornell who was trying a new IVF protocol.

When Kirsten woke up from the retrieval, they’d recovered ten eggs. “Now, there was hope,” Mike remembered. A couple days later, there were five embryos. After the transfer, they flew home and waited for test results. The call came. She was pregnant. “I didn’t relax the entire pregnancy,” said Mike. “It was horrible – I was so anxious something would happen. I didn’t exhale until the babies came.”

Two of them. A boy and a girl.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! [Eph 3:20]”

Their dismal track record indicated no chance. Their doctor said, not possible. Their common sense told them, not realistic. Their fear repeated, not happening. But their faith affirmed, I still believe. And God breathed life into their hope.

The story doesn’t end there.

They brought their twins by to visit me recently. Laughing as they shared the news, they told me, “We’re pregnant again.” This time, it’s completely natural. Unplanned. Definitely unexpected. A total gift from God.

He can do anything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and the Price of Pride

A few days ago, I heard a woman in a radio commercial say:

“I can’t afford pride. I’ve got bills to pay and obligations to meet….”

I started thinking, what price do we pay for pride? And why do we do it? As we’re going through infertility, what does it cost us – and is it worth it?

Every year, advertisers spend billions trying to convince us that if we don’t buy what they’re selling, we risk becoming social outcasts – judged by the world, and found lacking. It’s easy enough to see through the strategy, but there are times when it’s difficult to resist the underlying message. Essentially, that message is: “you are the star in the only story that matters. The one everyone is watching. If you don’t meet or exceed expectations, instead of feeling proud of all the attention, you are going to feel shame.”

That’s a very toxic message, and one we receive hundreds of times a day. Without realizing it, with enough exposure, we start to believe it’s the truth. Our egos only serve to confirm it: yes, I’m important. It’s all about me.

So, to avoid public humiliation, we focus our attention on protecting the secret that, for some reason, we can’t have a baby. This choice adds tremendous pressure to the already-stressful infertility experience. It enables us to avoid the imaginary spotlight – but at the cost of separation, isolation, and the loss of support and encouragement we so desperately need.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

God says the opposite of pride isn’t shame; it’s humility. It’s acknowledging that we aren’t the center of the universe, and life isn’t all about us. Although that realization may be a slight bruise to the ego, it’s also a great relief. It means we don’t have to be perfect; God already knows we’re flawed. We don’t have to earn our blessings; God already intends to give them to us. We don’t have to explain our childlessness; God has a plan and a purpose for this journey. All we need to do is trust Him.

“To you, O Lord, I life up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame….” [Psalm 25:1-3].

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Out-of-the-Box Thinking About Infertility

What if instead of keeping your infertility a secret you actually told everyone? I mean EVERYONE. Before you say, “Never!” read this excerpt of a story from the San Francisco Chronicle:

Molly and Brian Walsh were in their mid-30’s when they married. They wanted to start a family, but Brian has Marfan’s syndrome, a connective tissue disease, and they did not want to pass it on to their child. They needed $25-30,000 for IVF with PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis). They saved $10,000. Then, they did what is to many infertile couples unthinkable: they went public. In a big way.

The decision to go public was not easy, but ultimately, this was a race against the clock. They used email, Facebook and Twitter to invite friends to a “Makin’ Whoopie” wine tasting party, at $35 a head. Not only did 100 friends agree to attend, they also donated trips, tours, art and wine for a silent auction. Many also offered up stories of their own struggles with fertility to encourage the Walshes in their pursuit of a healthy, successful pregnancy.

Funds raised: $8000. Hope renewed: priceless.

What do you think? Outrageous? Inspired? Unimaginable? Whatever you may think about the idea, I think there’s a lot to learn from the story. Here are some examples you could follow:

1. Face the truth – For Molly & Brian, inheritable genetic defects indicated IVF with PGD. And that required a big budget. Money was tight and time was short. The facts weren’t encouraging, but facing them squarely gave them a starting point.
2. Set pride aside – The one variable they could control was their insistence on privacy. Once they realized they needed assistance to reach their goal, the choice was clear: forget pride, get help. All that required was humility.
3. Come out of hiding – The party invitation read: “You can’t help us in the bedroom, but you can help us make a baby.” Pretense was pointless, as was secrecy. They sent invitations to hundreds of people – some of whom they hadn’t seen or talked to in years.
4. Ask for help – Their request for help explained their situation and invited people who cared to be part of the solution. The humility inherent in their appeal was irresistible to many of those they contacted.
5. Invite openness – After publicly telling their story, the Walshes experienced an unexpected blessing: “Our friends shared amazing stories with us on Facebook – successes, as well as struggles and challenges.” The Walsh’s willingness to share their story opened the door for other couples to do the same.
6. Build community - Before this, Brian Walsh said, “we had felt like a private island in no-man’s land – surrounded by friends who have kids.” Knowing about other couples’ struggles “made it easier.” The Walshes formed new bonds with old friends whose success conceiving had seemed to create a wall of separation; now, they shared a common foe (infertility) and a common goal (parenthood).
7. Encourage investment – The Walsh’s friends literally invested in the outcome of their infertility journey. But even figurative investments translate into ongoing support & concern, instead of perceived judgment or unwelcome pity.
8. Leave a legacy – The Walsh’s creative campaign not only raised funds, it also created a huge network of loving future godparents – each of whom is deeply invested in breathing life into the dream of a Walsh family. What a legacy… for this newly-strengthened community of friends, and for the Walsh’s much-anticipated child.

I believe the example the Walshes set is relevant to every infertility journey. Not the party, necessarily… but the logic behind it. The Bible teaches that we are one body [I Cor 12:22-27]. We need each other. We are intended to bear each other's burdens, and share each other's joys. How can that happen if infertile couples refuse to share their secret, ask for help, build community, or invite others to become invested in their success?

Party or no party, I think the Walshes are onto something.

What do you think?

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility Survey Says...

In a recent study of 200 women, a high correlation was found between those who said they were religious and those with low rates of anxiety/depression during fertility treatment. Lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher pregnancy rates. So, it stands to reason that spiritual women should have more pregnancies.

-Newsweek, 3/24/08

In the beginning, when couples walk through the door to the infertility Bible study, the men look apprehensive, and the women, fragile to the point of tears. But that changes. Over the course of the study, they come to realize the wisdom of letting go of (the illusion of) control. They learn the value of being still and listening for God. And with that understanding comes peace in the midst of uncertainty.

I can literally see the change occur. Body language goes from self-protective – arms crossed, gazes averted, huddled close to their spouse – to open, relaxed, and receptive. The real change is occurring in the spirit, but it is reflected in the unspoken language of the body. That change indicates God’s growing presence, which creates new possibilities.

So, is the study right in its prediction that these increasingly spiritual women have more pregnancies? I’d have to say, yes. And no. Yes, because experience has shown me—again and again and again—that those who see infertility as an invitation to draw nearer to God, and who respond to that invitation, are likely to become parents. But no, because sometimes the result is not a pregnancy; sometimes, it is an adoption.

Here’s the important thing: that is no less a miracle.

I don’t say that as a Pollyanna. I’m not advocating, “be happy about failure,” or “suck it up and compromise.” I’m saying, make a paradigm shift. Recognize that, sometimes, God calls couples to steward a soul who comes into their life in a different way than they might have expected. That’s not defeat; that’s a different plan for victory. And it is no less a gift.

Are those couples disappointed? Truthfully?

“Alumni” couples often return to the Bible study to talk to current participants about their experiences. One entire class is devoted to hearing from adoptive parents. They speak with conviction about their certainty that their particular child belongs with them: “God chose him for us,” “We knew as soon as we held her that she was meant to be our daughter.” In some cases, they also share stories of the effect the adoption had on the birth parent(s).

With loving grace, I suggest to you: let go of your vision of how this story will unfold, and when. Give God as much room as possible to work in your story. He wants to give you His very best. He wants to create a pinwheel of blessing, and it may touch souls you don’t even know.

Will you make way for that possibility?

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and Surrender

What does it mean when prayers for a pregnancy don’t get answered? When a baby doesn’t make it to term, even though you pray for its health and beg God for its life? When an adoption doesn’t go through, even though every step in the process has seemed like answered prayer?

There is no public dialogue on questions like these. Maybe they’re too difficult, or too emotionally-charged. Maybe they force people to think about things they’d rather not consider, or confront truths they’d rather avoid. Whatever the reason, the absence of answers leaves us alone with our thoughts. And those can be devastating.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” What are we supposed to make of these words of Jesus’? They used to submerge me in despair. I was praying. I was believing. And instead of a baby, I had miscarriage after miscarriage – leaving me with the question: What am I doing wrong? Why don’t my prayers get answered?

Are you wondering the same thing?

Here’s what I’ve come to understand:

At first, my will wasn’t aligned with God’s. My will was: give me a baby now. It was, to be perfectly honest, an infantile kind of willfulness that was too obsessed with gimme! to consider God’s purpose or His timing. I wasn’t praying with a servant’s heart; surrender was nowhere on my radar screen. My prayer was more often, “why not?!” – and sometimes, I didn’t even wait for an answer.

My prayers were more about entitlement than obedience. Without realizing it, I presumed that I knew best. That a child now was better than a child later; that this pregnancy would trump a future one; that the sooner I got a “yes,” the happier I’d be. It was all about my plan (now!), not God’s plan. It was about satisfying my intense desire (entitlement), not about serving God’s purposes (obedience).

My impetuous neediness wasn’t all that mattered to God. Despite my sense that I couldn’t hang on much longer without getting the baby I wanted, God knew I could. He resisted my pleas with patient wisdom, despite the fact that my suffering broke His heart. Over time, my broken spirit became a malleable one, and God made me more of the steward He wanted me to be for the soul He’d always planned to entrust to me.

Then, I learned to pray for God’s best. Instead of trying to wrestle with God over whose will should prevail, I finally began to demonstrate my trust by letting go of my desire to control. I chose to trust that God intended to make me a parent – in His way, in His timing. With that choice to surrender, came a wave of peace. And with peace, came a pregnancy… that went to term… and brought into the world the baby intended for me.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” For a long time, I didn’t believe that I had received anything. Where was some evidence? All I could see was that I hadn’t received what I wanted. But, when I learned to pray for God’s best – His best timing, His best plan, His best reasons, His best outcome – and trust that I had received a “yes” in response to that request, everything changed.

Surrender was the secret to victory.

Imagine that.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertile, and Smart Like Sheep

According to an ABC News investigative report, sheep may not be as stupid as previously thought. Conventional wisdom says sheep are the ultimate metaphor for unthinking, instinctive behavior. But apparently, not so. Researchers developed intelligence tests for sheep and—surprise!—they can actually learn to make good choices and work with their shepherds.

We can, too.

Infertility spurs a fair amount of unthinking, instinctive, sheep-like behavior. For my husband and me, that meant trying to do whatever seemed to be working for absolutely everyone else. No luck there. So, next up: old wives’ tales. Still no luck. So, we started buying ovulation predictor kits. Did it ever occur to us that no result meant no ovulating? Well…. truthfully? No. We’d stand in the bathroom staring at that stick. “Can you see anything?” “What does it mean if it doesn’t match the picture on the box?” “What should we do now?”

Very sheep-like.

Not knowing what to do, we kept looking for the flock. What was everybody else doing? What was everybody else trying? Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be an “everybody else.” As far as we could tell, we were the lone lost sheep—the only ones who’d somehow wandered way off the beaten path. We felt “…like sheep without a shepherd.” Like there was no one to show us where to go. What to do. How to get answers.

Those words—“like sheep without a shepherd”—come from scripture. They are actually a description of Jesus’ assessment of a crowd that gathered to see him. “They were like sheep without a shepherd” [Mark 6:34]. Clueless. “He had compassion on them,” the story continues, and “so, he began teaching them many things.”

That’s the good news. Sheep can learn. When they are motivated and paying attention, they can absorb relevant information. That’s what the ABC News story reported—and many, many years prior, that’s what Jesus knew.

When infertility makes it impossible to think clearly, to find the path, to catch up with the flock that seems to be having no trouble, the shepherd is available to help. He can teach things that enable the sheep to make good choices. They can learn to recognize the sound of his voice, to respond when he calls, to seek him when they are lost, and to expect his help whenever they are in trouble. They can learn to trust him.

It’s not too much to hope that we can be smart like sheep.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Shatter the Silence Around Infertility

Conceiving and carrying a baby to term is difficult for some of us—but not all. So, what does it mean to be singled-out for suffering? The church is oddly silent when it comes to addressing this question. Not just my church. All churches. They are all failing to provide insight... compassionate support… even just overt grace to those struggling to build a family. Instead, they offer silence.

Why?

In her review of Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches writes, “Clergy don’t even know how to talk about infertility in the 21st century, [so] many of our faith communities are silent when confronted with the unfulfilled longing for a child.” Essentially, she’s saying the church is silent because the clergy are clueless.

Harsh? No offense intended, but she says it quite clearly, “They don’t even know how to talk about infertility….” Why would that be? There are few, if any, other topics on which the church—and those who speak for God through it—have nothing to say. What’s the problem?

Old habits die hard.

That’s part of the problem. For centuries, the church has been run by men. And, for just as long, infertility has been considered a woman’s failure. Only recently has medical research discovered that infertility is just as often caused by an issue with the prospective father’s health as with the prospective mother’s.

Now, women are in the pulpit and infertile men are in the pews. But the church hasn’t metabolized this new reality. No one’s teaching “How to Talk About Infertility” in divinity school. What’s stopping that change from coming?

Supply meets demand.

That’s the other part of the problem. No noise. No clamor for change. Until the silent give voice to their suffering, inertia will maintain the status quo. So, if we want messages of hope for those struggling with infertility to make their way to the pulpit, and from the pulpit into the hearts and minds of all those who don’t yet understand the good news of God’s faithfulness—even in the midst of infertility—we’ve got to speak up.

Are you with me?

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Hope > Optimism During Infertility

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams”

- Henry David Thoreau

This is how every infertility journey starts, isn’t it? Full of confidence, we set off in the direction of the perfect pregnancy. It will happen effortlessly. At most, within a few weeks of trying. We’ll tell everyone the good news, buy lots of maternity clothes, enjoy baby showers with friends and family, have an easy delivery, and poof… have the perfect baby. What a plan!

Sort of like the perfect wedding, we’ve unconsciously come to desire — and expect — the perfect path to parenthood. Unrealistic? Infertility makes that pretty clear. Unreasonable? That’s harder to answer.

Clearly, some women do sail through pregnancy and delivery. Too often, we see them on the cover of People magazine, smiling blissfully as they enjoy their moment in the spotlight. It’s hard to look at them without wondering, “Why her and not me? Why is she blessed and I’m…” What? Cursed?

Not so fast. Maybe this detour is for a purpose.

Consider these words from Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church: “Optimism is psychological; hope is theological.” This one sentence from his recent sermon got me thinking….

Optimism is what Thoreau advocates: choose to be confident, and set out. It’s the favorite advice of all Type A’s: Go for it! You can do it! But that you-can-do-it confidence is rooted in the belief that you can do it. Infertility teaches each one of us: No, you can’t.

But God can. That’s why hope—real theological hope that is God-centered and God-focused—is more than optimism. It’s more than believing you can if you just try hard enough. It’s admitting that you can’t, but trusting that God still can. It’s acknowledging that your limitations are not His, but your dream of becoming a parent… is.

Ground yourself in this kind of confident hope, and wait expectantly. Trust that this detour is for a purpose—part of which may be teaching you humble God-reliance. God will honor your trust in His perfect timing with His very best.

Wait and see.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Now Infertility's a Disease?

(Nov. 30, 2009) BioNews, London – The World Health Organization (WHO), in conjunction with the International Committee for Monitoring Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ICMART), has formally recognized infertility as a disease in its new international glossary of Assistive Reproductive Technologies (ART) terminology.

Why does it matter if experts label infertility “a disease”? What does that change for those of us who are struggling with it?

A disease connotes diagnose-ability. Treat-ability. Even, cure-ability. What if you fall in the 10-20% of couples whose infertility can’t be explained? For whom treatment doesn’t work? For whom there is no apparent cure? Does calling it a disease just rub salt in the wound?

Too often, infertility settles into a couple’s life and spirits like a cancer — with an unnerving sense of permanence. The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation. There may be millions of others battling the same “disease,” but they are nowhere to be found. Rarely do they choose to self-identify; the social stigma is too powerful. So, even as our spirits crave companionship, we feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering we do not understand.

Separated from everything “normal,” we seem to be drifting further and further away from anything familiar. Where to? And why is God allowing this to happen?

When life is unfolding according to plan, most of us prefer to side-step the broad philosophical question of why people suffer, as if suffering—like a disease—could be contagious. But infertility propels the question to the forefront with desperate urgency.

The question becomes much more personal—“why me?”—and insistent when the suffering is our own.

In the beginning, all thoughts and feelings about infertility spring from the big, central question: “WHY?” With time, and without conceiving, the “why?” multiplies and metastasizes. Its offshoots begin to spring up everywhere. Why us? Why me? Why now? Why not? Why them?

Anxiety feeds the questions. Doubt does, too. Jealousy poisons many thoughts with toxic envy. The “why?” spreads to cover all aspects of the struggle to get pregnant, sinking its roots deep into the spirit: Why does everyone else…? Why haven’t we…? Why did they…? Why, if we…? Why, if they…? Why not us?!

This state of constant emotional turbulence is a disease. A “dis-ease” that makes it impossible to recover a sense of equilibrium. And this “dis-ease” seems even harder to treat than infertility itself. What can possibly cure it but having our heart’s desire?

Nothing.

What doctor will take this case?

Only the great physician. He alone can diagnose, treat, cure… and bless. He alone.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility Insanity

Infertility causes temporary insanity. At least, that’s what I think. I say that not as the wife of a psychiatrist – who would vehemently disagree with my armchair diagnosis — but as someone who experienced it first-hand.

What’s my evidence? Let’s start with the single-minded obsession. The compulsive checking, tracking, monitoring, documenting, and comparing. The inability to concentrate on anything else. The mood swings. The drama. The tears. Should I continue? It would be easy to blame it all on the meds… but probably not accurate.

If you’ve been there — or if you’re there now — you know what I mean. There’s really no alternative, right? That’s just part of the deal when you’re going through infertility. Well… not so fast.

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Jesus asked these questions of the disciples when they seemed to miss the point of his lesson. Essentially, he was saying, “Do you still not have my perspective?”

He could just as easily be asking us.

What perspective is he talking about? See what? Hear what? Remember what?

In the midst of infertility, it’s easy (and common) to feel as if we can’t see or hear or remember anything… unless it’s related to having a baby. That’s all we can think about. Constantly. It’s all we can see: pregnant women everywhere. It’s all we can hear: everyone (but us) saying, “I’ve got great news!” It’s all we can remember: it hasn’t happened for me.

Our intensely-focused desire is all-consuming. But somehow, that focus doesn’t seem to help us get any closer to the goal. In fact, the obsession with getting—and staying—pregnant is actually making it harder to think clearly, see the big picture, and hear the good news.

Wait a minute. What good news?

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” The good news is that God is eternal, unchanging and faithful. He is a promise-keeper who longs to use our circumstances for our benefit. The opportunity exists. And, the Bible says He will — if we will let Him. Trust that He is at work, and claim His promise: “…I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’”

It’s the only real antidote to infertility insanity.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Prison or Classroom?

“If we see painful situations as threats, they become prisons for our souls. Like inmates in medieval dungeons, we languish… wishing the problems would just go away. Or, we try frantically to get out any way we can.”
- Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker

I doubt Zig was thinking about infertility when he talked about a prison for our souls. But, it seems like a pretty good metaphor: trapped in seemingly inescapable confines…. separated from the rest of the world and everything normal... feeling punished, isolated, forgotten, and afraid… forced to join a subset of humanity no one wants to join… wondering if it will ever be possible to escape and rejoin the ranks of those enjoying life on the outside.

It’s easy to see the parallels. And, it’s tempting to give in to the despair that beckons as a result.

But we can have a different perspective, “one that sees problems not as prisons but as classrooms where God gets our attention, transforms our character, and gives us strong hope….”

Who couldn’t use strong hope while waiting for IVF transfer results? Or a heartbeat on an ultrasound? Or a phone call with the news: yes, or no? We all could. So, how do we escape the prison of fear and negative thinking, and enter that classroom where God changes us?

We choose to walk out the open door.

Amazingly, we can leave this prison whenever we’re ready. As in scripture, where God repeatedly frees those He loves by opening prison doors, He has swung this door wide open. We are not condemned. We have not been judged and punished. We are not forgotten, and we need not be afraid. We have unconsciously chosen a prisoner’s perspective, but the good news is: “God sets prisoners free” [Psalm 146:7].

Consciously choosing to walk out the open door and leave prison behind, we can seek a different place for our souls to dwell as we seek a new perspective on infertility—one that enables us to be transformed, and gives us strong hope. Impossible? “What is impossible with (wo)man is possible with God” [Luke 18:27].

The door is open. And the only One who knows how your story will end is waiting to teach you, encourage you, and help you. Join me in the classroom.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Obsessing Over Pregnancy

AP news release (11/09) - Doctors have long worried about a link between fertility drugs and ovarian cancer. But, Danish researchers recently analyzed medical records of 54,362 women and found that, over a 13-year follow-up period, those who took fertility drugs faced no greater risk of ovarian cancer – even if they’d undergone 10 or more treatment cycles.

Why is it that obsessing over when we’ll get pregnant isn’t enough? We have to compound our suffering by worrying over other things we can’t control—like whether the fertility drugs we take now will bring on some new kind of suffering later.

“Fear and faith seem like opposites,” writes Joel Osteen, “but both ask us to believe something we cannot see. Fear says, ‘believe the negative.’ Faith says, ‘believe the positive.’"

Why is so much easier for us to embrace fear?

And if we hate feeling fearful, why do we choose fear as our response to uncertainty?

The truth is, it doesn’t feel like a choice. Loss of control flips a panic switch somewhere deep inside us. Our instinctive fight-or-flight response takes over: Hurry! Fix this! Solve it! Now!

We don’t want to feel afraid. We hate it. So, in response to fear, we fight for control—struggling to maintain a steady course down an unfamiliar road toward a destination we hope we can find.

Parenthood. Is it just up ahead? We want to believe we’re on the right road… but something tells us we’re lost. And alone. In growing darkness. Uncertainty compounds our panic and, before we know it, we’re careening down a dark road at top speed – scared to death, and hoping to make it in one piece.

Is there any other way to make this journey?

Yes…, but it requires us to do the unthinkable: relinquish control.

Letting go in the midst of infertility is completely counterintuitive. It feels like giving up. But it’s not. It is simply a humble admission that we are not in control. We desperately want to be, but we’re not.

Unconsciously, we’ve resisted facing this obvious truth. Why? Out of fear that we’ll be overwhelmed by despair. We’ll see how small and helpless we truly are in the face of intractable infertility, and heartbreak will become defeat.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When we admit we are not in control, we make room for God to enter the story.

Will He help us? Will He care?

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Those were Jesus’ words to a panicked father when he heard his daughter had died. Jesus understood the man’s instinctive response was fear and grief. But Jesus told him: don’t choose fear… choose faith. Trust me… not what they tell you, or what you see.

What is your visceral response to bad news? Do you rush to embrace grief and fear? Or do you believe (“walk by faith…”), despite what you see (“…not by sight”)?

It’s your journey. And it’s your choice.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Doesn’t Understand Infertility

On September 27th, a baby boy was born to a Catholic couple in Ohio. Why was that news? Not because their baby boy was conceived using IVF, but because the implanted embryo wasn’t theirs. It belonged to another infertile couple whose fertilized eggs were mistakenly implanted.

With all its inherent controversy, this story – which received national coverage -- invited readers to stare in disbelief at the terrible collision of two families’ dreams, just as we often do at a horrific highway accident. Look at that tragedy, we were prompted to think. How devastating for the families. How heartbreaking. And then, having seen all there was to see, we were expected to accelerate past the suffering and get on with our lives.

Why not? Was there a more appropriate response?

Actually, yes. Unlike gapers who block roads for no greater purpose than to satisfy morbid curiosity, when we slow down to look carefully at this story, we learn important things about the challenge of infertility and the powerful witness of those who face it.

Infertile couples are all around us. One in every six couples of childbearing age is currently struggling with it. Because of the perceived social stigma, and society’s tabloid fascination with other people’s suffering, most of the struggle goes on silently and secretly. Infertile couples crave community to fight off isolation and compassion to offset grief, but rarely do they find it. Even at church. So, they cling to their spouses and hope that God hasn’t abandoned them.

When the Catholic couple discovered they were pregnant with another couple’s child, they faced a terrible choice: abort, or carry a stranger’s baby to term. An impossible, gut-wrenching decision no longing-to-be parent should ever have to make. What did they decide? “At the end of the day, there’s a life coming,” said Sean Savage, the surrogate-father-to-be. “Even though it’s in an unusual way, it’s still a gift.”

Despite their deep desire to have a baby, they chose to trust God’s purpose over their need. They decided to live into their faith in God’s goodness in the midst of their nightmare.

On the surface, that’s a shocking response to a head-on collision between the dream of parenting and the reality of a fertility clinic error. “Why me?!” seems much more likely. But, the struggle with infertility can be a blessing-in-disguise when it tests – and strengthens -- our faith, and when it gives us an opportunity to live what we believe.

The Savages faced an impossibly difficult situation and chose to rely on grace, one day at a time, for nine painful months. According to the news coverage, they made it.

Other infertile couples can, too.

How can you help them?

First, remember that childlessness can be – but isn’t always – a choice. Even those with children sometimes struggle to conceive again. And, infertility stories are painful. So, as with a multi-car accident, get involved only if you plan to offer help. If you have nothing to offer, keep moving.

Second, encourage your local church and community leaders to provide support for infertile couples. It’s possible to educate, extend compassion and build community at virtually no expense – and with great results. Be a part of bringing blessings into the lives of those who long for them.

Third, if you know a couple struggling with infertility, remind them that they are not alone. Encourage them to talk with friends, family, counselors or other congregants. Do whatever you can to give them hope and help them heal.

That’s a much better response than just driving by.