Rabbits, Pickles & the Fight to Control Infertility

I just heard from a woman who adopted years ago, and is now watching close friends struggle with infertility. She wrote:

“They are desperately trying to have a child...even eating tons of rabbit meat...someone told them rabbits are prolific so maybe eating them would help...not joking.”

Okay, what the heck? Except… we tried all sorts of crazy things, too. Someone told me I should eat lots of pickles, since that’s what pregnant women crave. So, for weeks, I choked them down. Never having been a fan before forced consumption, I learned to hate them in a whole new way when my next cycle started right on time.

It’s laughable now. But it wasn’t then. We were dead serious about getting what we wanted, and if pickles were the path to parenthood, so be it.

When we can’t have what we desperately want, our common impulse it seize control. That’s human nature. The behavior can seem ridiculous – eating tons of rabbit meat, choking down jars of pickles. Or, it can appear rational – buying ovulation predictors by the case, scheduling major life events around doctor’s appointments. But bottom line, it’s all about the fight for control.

Part of the purpose of this infertility journey is to help us realize we are not in control. We can’t be, no matter how desperately we want to be. That unwelcome realization brings every couple to a fork in the road where a choice must be made: resist the truth, or embrace it.

Resist it, and you doom yourself to a lot of heartache. Control is an illusion. A mirage. An unattainable goal. If you commit yourself to gaining control of this situation no matter what it costs, you will pay a very high price. And you still may not have a child.

But, embrace the truth and you make room for God in your story. You stop investing energy in pretending you know the answers, and recognize the wisdom, power and authority of the only one who truly does. Instead of worshiping the illusion of control, you worship the one who has it – and you humbly acknowledge your need for his help.

It’s the only choice that makes sense. And it’s the path that leads where you want to go.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Shatter the Silence Around Infertility

Conceiving and carrying a baby to term is difficult for some of us—but not all. So, what does it mean to be singled-out for suffering? The church is oddly silent when it comes to addressing this question. Not just my church. All churches. They are all failing to provide insight... compassionate support… even just overt grace to those struggling to build a family. Instead, they offer silence.

Why?

In her review of Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches writes, “Clergy don’t even know how to talk about infertility in the 21st century, [so] many of our faith communities are silent when confronted with the unfulfilled longing for a child.” Essentially, she’s saying the church is silent because the clergy are clueless.

Harsh? No offense intended, but she says it quite clearly, “They don’t even know how to talk about infertility….” Why would that be? There are few, if any, other topics on which the church—and those who speak for God through it—have nothing to say. What’s the problem?

Old habits die hard.

That’s part of the problem. For centuries, the church has been run by men. And, for just as long, infertility has been considered a woman’s failure. Only recently has medical research discovered that infertility is just as often caused by an issue with the prospective father’s health as with the prospective mother’s.

Now, women are in the pulpit and infertile men are in the pews. But the church hasn’t metabolized this new reality. No one’s teaching “How to Talk About Infertility” in divinity school. What’s stopping that change from coming?

Supply meets demand.

That’s the other part of the problem. No noise. No clamor for change. Until the silent give voice to their suffering, inertia will maintain the status quo. So, if we want messages of hope for those struggling with infertility to make their way to the pulpit, and from the pulpit into the hearts and minds of all those who don’t yet understand the good news of God’s faithfulness—even in the midst of infertility—we’ve got to speak up.

Are you with me?

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com