Exceedingly, Abundantly... Despite Infertility

I met Kirsten and Mike when they were well into their infertility journey. They’d had a spontaneous miscarriage at 18 weeks. “When you go through a miscarriage that’s further along in a pregnancy,” Kirsten said, “a big, huge hole opens up in your life. You feel like you’re completely isolated. You know in your mind that other people have gone through this, but you never expect it to happen to you.”

When they felt ready to try again, they had four unsuccessful IUIs and an IVF cycle that resulted in no embryos. Their doctor, a well-known infertility expert, told them they had infertility “of unknown origin” – and then dropped a bomb. As Mike recalled, “The doctor actually said to us, ‘You will never have kids.’ It took every bit of emotional strength to try to get through it. Kirsten was nuts. She was hitting herself and saying, ‘I’m worthless!’ It was really tough.”

Their doctor pushed them toward egg donation. Mike was willing to think seriously about international adoption. But Kirsten felt a need to try IVF one last time. “I needed a period at the end of the sentence that said, ‘It will not work.’” They found a doctor at Cornell who was trying a new IVF protocol.

When Kirsten woke up from the retrieval, they’d recovered ten eggs. “Now, there was hope,” Mike remembered. A couple days later, there were five embryos. After the transfer, they flew home and waited for test results. The call came. She was pregnant. “I didn’t relax the entire pregnancy,” said Mike. “It was horrible – I was so anxious something would happen. I didn’t exhale until the babies came.”

Two of them. A boy and a girl.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! [Eph 3:20]”

Their dismal track record indicated no chance. Their doctor said, not possible. Their common sense told them, not realistic. Their fear repeated, not happening. But their faith affirmed, I still believe. And God breathed life into their hope.

The story doesn’t end there.

They brought their twins by to visit me recently. Laughing as they shared the news, they told me, “We’re pregnant again.” This time, it’s completely natural. Unplanned. Definitely unexpected. A total gift from God.

He can do anything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Finding Hope During Infertility

My favorite blogger, Jon Acuff, wrote about hope yesterday. I don’t know if he ever went through infertility—most guys don’t seem to volunteer that information—but he definitely understands how it can feel to long for hope. To think you’ve grasped it, and then feel it slipping away. He writes:

“Hope is one of the first things that disappears when you get lost. Your ability to see beyond your current circumstances is chased south by the shadows. Your ability to dream and plan and hold visions close to your chest fades until hope feels foreign and far away.”

He’s right, and it can happen in an instant. One minute, you think this could be the month when everything changes, when all the meds and shots and office visits and heartache become worth it. Your hopes are high… the counts look good… and then… no heartbeat on the ultrasound.

No baby.

As the shadows deepen and the realization chases hope away, a part of you knows you’ve got to reboot and psych up to do it all again. Muster some more hope, even if you’re not feeling it. Because otherwise, how are you going to keep doing this? And what other choice do you have?

As the tears start to fall, you wonder, will it ever happen for us? Jon writes:

“There’s a temptation to believe you’re doing something wrong if you don’t feel hopeful 24/7.”

That’s a trap a lot of us fall into, thinking "it's all about me and what I did (or didn't do)." We start doubting the hope that seemed so prescient just before we got the news. We begin thinking that this moment’s lack of hope not only mirrors a past full of failures, but also foreshadows a future of many more. And then, we sink into the darkness of despair.

We want to escape this awful place — this terrible feeling — and something urges us: grieve the past, push through the present, and seize control of the future. It’s the only way to get what you want. Believe in yourself, and don’t give up. That’s the only way. It’s what’s working for everyone else.

Don’t fall for the lie.

God says, receive my grace for all that is past. Trust the plans I have for your future. And meet me here in the present. I will give you peace in the midst of uncertainty. Trust me with all your heart; don’t trust yourself to make sense of this. Believe that I have a plan and a purpose, and I will show you the way out of darkness into hope and a future [Prov 3:5-5, John 14:27, Jer 29:11].

Despite our hunger for hope and our desperate need for help, we’re tempted to turn our backs. To say, No thanks, God. I want a baby, and you didn’t say anything about a baby. I want control, and I think I can have a baby if I find the right doctor, and take the right medicines, and eat the right foods, and get the right exercise, and do the right things, in the right order, at the right time, on the right month…. And, I hope that’s true.

I... I... I....

What if it's not true? What if you're not in control of this story? Then, what happens to your hope? The shadows lengthen at the thought.

But, what if you're not meant to be in control? And what if that's a gift? What if you haven't failed? What if it's just not time yet? What if God intends to transform your experience before your baby comes? What if there is so much that you don't understand?

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you.... [Eph 1:18]. There is a hope that transcends the moment of bad news, the blood counts and test results of this day, and the despair that's guaranteed to be part of this journey. It's hope with staying power.

It took me awhile to find it, and longer to trust it. But it changed everything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Can We Talk About Infertility?

If misery loves company, why do we insist on isolating ourselves when we need support the most? One woman with the courage to go public with a private loss wrote this in a Newsweek editorial:

“The doctor said the test had indicated an unviable pregnancy. I started talking to other pregnant women (who seemed to be all around me) and learned what no one tells you until devastation has set in: up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

People keep too mum about private tragedies such as this. True, miscarriages are not catastrophic, especially in terms of sheer commonality, but it can tear away a piece of you that you didn’t know was there. We need to talk to each other, rather than suffer surrounded by silent sisters.”

She’s right. We need to talk to each other. Suffering in silence only compounds the sense of isolation we already feel in the midst of infertility.

So, why don’t we talk? Why don’t we tell each other, “I lost a pregnancy” or “I lost a child”? The tidal wave of grief is already washing over us. The only way to get a lifeline is to call for help.

What’s stopping us?

Pride is what silenced me. I hated to admit I was failing at something so many other women seemed to accomplish effortlessly. Seemed being the key word. If the Newsweek writer is to be believed, there were miscarriages going on all around me. But no one talked about it. Those silent sisters kept their secrets and I foolishly believed that I was alone in my misery. That I was the only one struggling to catch up with everyone else’s instant gratification.

Now, consider this: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” [James 4:6].

Ouch.

My pride was rooted in a desire for self-reliance and control. I was raised to consider self-reliance a virtue…an admirable quality often seen in leaders… the mark of a “can do” go-getter. And control as the holy grail. But God doesn’t see it that way. He sees arrogant self-centeredness that refuses to make room for Him. Or worse, an entitlement attitude that puts me on the throne and Him at my beck and call (in the form of “I want/I need” prayer).

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Thank goodness I finally set my pride aside and began to share my struggle. Grace came from all around me, in the form of stories shared by women who’d also kept their struggles secret. All of us had bought into the lie that we alone were failing to conceive. We alone kept miscarrying. Meanwhile, “we” were everywhere.

Don’t make my mistake. Share your story. There’s a silent sister out there suffering, and she needs to hear it.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Prison or Classroom?

“If we see painful situations as threats, they become prisons for our souls. Like inmates in medieval dungeons, we languish… wishing the problems would just go away. Or, we try frantically to get out any way we can.”
- Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker

I doubt Zig was thinking about infertility when he talked about a prison for our souls. But, it seems like a pretty good metaphor: trapped in seemingly inescapable confines…. separated from the rest of the world and everything normal... feeling punished, isolated, forgotten, and afraid… forced to join a subset of humanity no one wants to join… wondering if it will ever be possible to escape and rejoin the ranks of those enjoying life on the outside.

It’s easy to see the parallels. And, it’s tempting to give in to the despair that beckons as a result.

But we can have a different perspective, “one that sees problems not as prisons but as classrooms where God gets our attention, transforms our character, and gives us strong hope….”

Who couldn’t use strong hope while waiting for IVF transfer results? Or a heartbeat on an ultrasound? Or a phone call with the news: yes, or no? We all could. So, how do we escape the prison of fear and negative thinking, and enter that classroom where God changes us?

We choose to walk out the open door.

Amazingly, we can leave this prison whenever we’re ready. As in scripture, where God repeatedly frees those He loves by opening prison doors, He has swung this door wide open. We are not condemned. We have not been judged and punished. We are not forgotten, and we need not be afraid. We have unconsciously chosen a prisoner’s perspective, but the good news is: “God sets prisoners free” [Psalm 146:7].

Consciously choosing to walk out the open door and leave prison behind, we can seek a different place for our souls to dwell as we seek a new perspective on infertility—one that enables us to be transformed, and gives us strong hope. Impossible? “What is impossible with (wo)man is possible with God” [Luke 18:27].

The door is open. And the only One who knows how your story will end is waiting to teach you, encourage you, and help you. Join me in the classroom.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Doesn’t Understand Infertility

On September 27th, a baby boy was born to a Catholic couple in Ohio. Why was that news? Not because their baby boy was conceived using IVF, but because the implanted embryo wasn’t theirs. It belonged to another infertile couple whose fertilized eggs were mistakenly implanted.

With all its inherent controversy, this story – which received national coverage -- invited readers to stare in disbelief at the terrible collision of two families’ dreams, just as we often do at a horrific highway accident. Look at that tragedy, we were prompted to think. How devastating for the families. How heartbreaking. And then, having seen all there was to see, we were expected to accelerate past the suffering and get on with our lives.

Why not? Was there a more appropriate response?

Actually, yes. Unlike gapers who block roads for no greater purpose than to satisfy morbid curiosity, when we slow down to look carefully at this story, we learn important things about the challenge of infertility and the powerful witness of those who face it.

Infertile couples are all around us. One in every six couples of childbearing age is currently struggling with it. Because of the perceived social stigma, and society’s tabloid fascination with other people’s suffering, most of the struggle goes on silently and secretly. Infertile couples crave community to fight off isolation and compassion to offset grief, but rarely do they find it. Even at church. So, they cling to their spouses and hope that God hasn’t abandoned them.

When the Catholic couple discovered they were pregnant with another couple’s child, they faced a terrible choice: abort, or carry a stranger’s baby to term. An impossible, gut-wrenching decision no longing-to-be parent should ever have to make. What did they decide? “At the end of the day, there’s a life coming,” said Sean Savage, the surrogate-father-to-be. “Even though it’s in an unusual way, it’s still a gift.”

Despite their deep desire to have a baby, they chose to trust God’s purpose over their need. They decided to live into their faith in God’s goodness in the midst of their nightmare.

On the surface, that’s a shocking response to a head-on collision between the dream of parenting and the reality of a fertility clinic error. “Why me?!” seems much more likely. But, the struggle with infertility can be a blessing-in-disguise when it tests – and strengthens -- our faith, and when it gives us an opportunity to live what we believe.

The Savages faced an impossibly difficult situation and chose to rely on grace, one day at a time, for nine painful months. According to the news coverage, they made it.

Other infertile couples can, too.

How can you help them?

First, remember that childlessness can be – but isn’t always – a choice. Even those with children sometimes struggle to conceive again. And, infertility stories are painful. So, as with a multi-car accident, get involved only if you plan to offer help. If you have nothing to offer, keep moving.

Second, encourage your local church and community leaders to provide support for infertile couples. It’s possible to educate, extend compassion and build community at virtually no expense – and with great results. Be a part of bringing blessings into the lives of those who long for them.

Third, if you know a couple struggling with infertility, remind them that they are not alone. Encourage them to talk with friends, family, counselors or other congregants. Do whatever you can to give them hope and help them heal.

That’s a much better response than just driving by.