Infertility: Prison or Classroom?

“If we see painful situations as threats, they become prisons for our souls. Like inmates in medieval dungeons, we languish…wishing the problems would just go away. Or, we try frantically to get out any way we can.”

- Zig Ziglar, author/speaker

I doubt Zig was thinking about infertility when he talked about a prison for our souls. But, it seems like a pretty good metaphor: trapped in seemingly inescapable confines…. separated from the rest of the world and everything normal... feeling punished, isolated, forgotten, and afraid… forced to join a subset of humanity no one wants to join… wondering if it will ever be possible to escape and rejoin the ranks of those enjoying life on the outside.

It’s easy to see the parallels. And, it’s tempting to give in to the despair that beckons as a result.

But we can have a different perspective, “one that sees problems not as prisons but as classrooms where God gets our attention, transforms our character, and gives us strong hope….”

Who couldn’t use strong hope while waiting for IVF transfer results? Or a heartbeat on an ultrasound? Or a phone call with the news: yes, or no? We all could. So, how do we escape the prison of fear and negative thinking, and enter that classroom where God changes us?

We choose to walk out the open door.

Amazingly, we can leave this prison whenever we’re ready. As in scripture, where God repeatedly frees those He loves by opening prison doors, He has swung this door wide open. We are not condemned. We have not been judged and punished. We are not forgotten, and we need not be afraid. We have unconsciously chosen a prisoner’s perspective, but the good news is: “God sets prisoners free” [Psalm 146:7].

Consciously choosing to walk out the open door and leave prison behind, we can seek a different place for our souls to dwell as we seek a new perspective on infertility—one that enables us to be transformed, and gives us strong hope. Impossible? “What is impossible with (wo)man is possible with God” [Luke 18:27].

The door is open. And the only One who knows how your story will end is waiting to teach you, encourage you, and help you.

Care to join me in the classroom?

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Temporary (infertility) Insanity

Infertility causes temporary insanity. At least, that’s what I think. I say that not as the wife of a psychiatrist – who would vehemently disagree with my armchair diagnosis—but as someone who experienced it first-hand.

What’s my evidence? Let’s start with the single-minded obsession. The compulsive checking, tracking, monitoring, documenting, and comparing. The inability to concentrate on anything else. The mood swings. The drama. The tears. Should I continue? It would be easy to blame it all on the meds… but probably not accurate.

If you’ve been there—or if you’re there now—you know what I mean. There’s really no alternative, right? That’s just part of the deal when you’re going through infertility. Well… not so fast.

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Jesus asked these questions of the disciples when they seemed to miss the point of his lesson. Essentially, he was saying, “Do you still not have my perspective?”

He could just as easily be asking us.

What perspective is he talking about? See what? Hear what? Remember what?

In the midst of infertility, it’s easy (and common) to feel as if we can’t see or hear or remember anything… unless it’s related to having a baby. That’s all we can think about. Constantly. It’s all we can see: pregnant women everywhere. It’s all we can hear: everyone (but us) saying, “I’ve got great news!” It’s all we can remember: it hasn’t happened for me.

Our intensely-focused desire is all-consuming. But somehow, that focus doesn’t seem to help us get any closer to the goal. In fact, the obsession with getting—and staying—pregnant is actually making it harder to think clearly, see the big picture, and hear the good news.

Wait a minute. What good news?

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” The good news is that God is eternal, unchanging and faithful. He is a promise-keeper who longs to use our circumstances for our benefit. The opportunity exists. And, the Bible says He will—if we will let Him. Trust that He is at work, and claim His promise: “…I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’”

It’s the only real antidote to infertility insanity.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertile, and Smart Like Sheep

According to an ABC News investigative report, sheep may not be as stupid as previously thought. Conventional wisdom says sheep are the ultimate metaphor for unthinking, instinctive behavior. But apparently, not so. Researchers developed intelligence tests for sheep and—surprise!—they can actually learn to make good choices and work with their shepherds.

We can, too.

Infertility spurs a fair amount of unthinking, instinctive, sheep-like behavior. For my husband and me, that meant trying to do whatever seemed to be working for absolutely everyone else. No luck there. So, next up: old wives’ tales. Still no luck. So, we started buying ovulation predictor kits. Did it ever occur to us that no result meant no ovulating? Well…. truthfully? No. We’d stand in the bathroom staring at that stick. “Can you see anything?” “What does it mean if it doesn’t match the picture on the box?” “What should we do now?”

Very sheep-like.

Not knowing what to do, we kept looking for the flock. What was everybody else doing? What was everybody else trying? Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be an “everybody else.” As far as we could tell, we were the lone lost sheep—the only ones who’d somehow wandered way off the beaten path. We felt “…like sheep without a shepherd.” Like there was no one to show us where to go. What to do. How to get answers.

Those words—“like sheep without a shepherd”—come from scripture. They are actually a description of Jesus’ assessment of a crowd that gathered to see him. “They were like sheep without a shepherd” [Mark 6:34]. Clueless. “He had compassion on them,” the story continues, and “so, he began teaching them many things.”

That’s the good news. Sheep can learn. When they are motivated and paying attention, they can absorb relevant information. That’s what the ABC News story reported—and many, many years prior, that’s what Jesus knew.

When infertility makes it impossible to think clearly, to find the path, to catch up with the flock that seems to be having no trouble, the shepherd is available to help. He can teach things that enable the sheep to make good choices. They can learn to recognize the sound of his voice, to respond when he calls, to seek him when they are lost, and to expect his help whenever they are in trouble. They can learn to trust him.

It’s not too much to hope that we can be smart like sheep.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Shatter the Silence Around Infertility

Conceiving and carrying a baby to term is difficult for some of us—but not all. So, what does it mean to be singled-out for suffering? The church is oddly silent when it comes to addressing this question. Not just my church. All churches. They are all failing to provide insight... compassionate support… even just overt grace to those struggling to build a family. Instead, they offer silence.

Why?

In her review of Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches writes, “Clergy don’t even know how to talk about infertility in the 21st century, [so] many of our faith communities are silent when confronted with the unfulfilled longing for a child.” Essentially, she’s saying the church is silent because the clergy are clueless.

Harsh? No offense intended, but she says it quite clearly, “They don’t even know how to talk about infertility….” Why would that be? There are few, if any, other topics on which the church—and those who speak for God through it—have nothing to say. What’s the problem?

Old habits die hard.

That’s part of the problem. For centuries, the church has been run by men. And, for just as long, infertility has been considered a woman’s failure. Only recently has medical research discovered that infertility is just as often caused by an issue with the prospective father’s health as with the prospective mother’s.

Now, women are in the pulpit and infertile men are in the pews. But the church hasn’t metabolized this new reality. No one’s teaching “How to Talk About Infertility” in divinity school. What’s stopping that change from coming?

Supply meets demand.

That’s the other part of the problem. No noise. No clamor for change. Until the silent give voice to their suffering, inertia will maintain the status quo. So, if we want messages of hope for those struggling with infertility to make their way to the pulpit, and from the pulpit into the hearts and minds of all those who don’t yet understand the good news of God’s faithfulness—even in the midst of infertility—we’ve got to speak up.

Are you with me?

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Hope > Optimism During Infertility

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams”

- Henry David Thoreau

This is how every infertility journey starts, isn’t it? Full of confidence, we set off in the direction of the perfect pregnancy. It will happen effortlessly. At most, within a few weeks of trying. We’ll tell everyone the good news, buy lots of maternity clothes, enjoy baby showers with friends and family, have an easy delivery, and poof… have the perfect baby. What a plan!

Sort of like the perfect wedding, we’ve unconsciously come to desire — and expect — the perfect path to parenthood. Unrealistic? Infertility makes that pretty clear. Unreasonable? That’s harder to answer.

Clearly, some women do sail through pregnancy and delivery. Too often, we see them on the cover of People magazine, smiling blissfully as they enjoy their moment in the spotlight. It’s hard to look at them without wondering, “Why her and not me? Why is she blessed and I’m…” What? Cursed?

Not so fast. Maybe this detour is for a purpose.

Consider these words from Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church: “Optimism is psychological; hope is theological.” This one sentence from his recent sermon got me thinking….

Optimism is what Thoreau advocates: choose to be confident, and set out. It’s the favorite advice of all Type A’s: Go for it! You can do it! But that you-can-do-it confidence is rooted in the belief that you can do it. Infertility teaches each one of us: No, you can’t.

But God can. That’s why hope—real theological hope that is God-centered and God-focused—is more than optimism. It’s more than believing you can if you just try hard enough. It’s admitting that you can’t, but trusting that God still can. It’s acknowledging that your limitations are not His, but your dream of becoming a parent… is.

Ground yourself in this kind of confident hope, and wait expectantly. Trust that this detour is for a purpose—part of which may be teaching you humble God-reliance. God will honor your trust in His perfect timing with His very best.

Wait and see.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Now Infertility's a Disease?

(Nov. 30, 2009) BioNews, London – The World Health Organization (WHO), in conjunction with the International Committee for Monitoring Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ICMART), has formally recognized infertility as a disease in its new international glossary of Assistive Reproductive Technologies (ART) terminology.

Why does it matter if experts label infertility “a disease”? What does that change for those of us who are struggling with it?

A disease connotes diagnose-ability. Treat-ability. Even, cure-ability. What if you fall in the 10-20% of couples whose infertility can’t be explained? For whom treatment doesn’t work? For whom there is no apparent cure? Does calling it a disease just rub salt in the wound?

Too often, infertility settles into a couple’s life and spirits like a cancer — with an unnerving sense of permanence. The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation. There may be millions of others battling the same “disease,” but they are nowhere to be found. Rarely do they choose to self-identify; the social stigma is too powerful. So, even as our spirits crave companionship, we feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering we do not understand.

Separated from everything “normal,” we seem to be drifting further and further away from anything familiar. Where to? And why is God allowing this to happen?

When life is unfolding according to plan, most of us prefer to side-step the broad philosophical question of why people suffer, as if suffering—like a disease—could be contagious. But infertility propels the question to the forefront with desperate urgency.

The question becomes much more personal—“why me?”—and insistent when the suffering is our own.

In the beginning, all thoughts and feelings about infertility spring from the big, central question: “WHY?” With time, and without conceiving, the “why?” multiplies and metastasizes. Its offshoots begin to spring up everywhere. Why us? Why me? Why now? Why not? Why them?

Anxiety feeds the questions. Doubt does, too. Jealousy poisons many thoughts with toxic envy. The “why?” spreads to cover all aspects of the struggle to get pregnant, sinking its roots deep into the spirit: Why does everyone else…? Why haven’t we…? Why did they…? Why, if we…? Why, if they…? Why not us?!

This state of constant emotional turbulence is a disease. A “dis-ease” that makes it impossible to recover a sense of equilibrium. And this “dis-ease” seems even harder to treat than infertility itself. What can possibly cure it but having our heart’s desire?

Nothing.

What doctor will take this case?

Only the great physician. He alone can diagnose, treat, cure… and bless. He alone.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Prison or Classroom?

“If we see painful situations as threats, they become prisons for our souls. Like inmates in medieval dungeons, we languish… wishing the problems would just go away. Or, we try frantically to get out any way we can.”
- Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker

I doubt Zig was thinking about infertility when he talked about a prison for our souls. But, it seems like a pretty good metaphor: trapped in seemingly inescapable confines…. separated from the rest of the world and everything normal... feeling punished, isolated, forgotten, and afraid… forced to join a subset of humanity no one wants to join… wondering if it will ever be possible to escape and rejoin the ranks of those enjoying life on the outside.

It’s easy to see the parallels. And, it’s tempting to give in to the despair that beckons as a result.

But we can have a different perspective, “one that sees problems not as prisons but as classrooms where God gets our attention, transforms our character, and gives us strong hope….”

Who couldn’t use strong hope while waiting for IVF transfer results? Or a heartbeat on an ultrasound? Or a phone call with the news: yes, or no? We all could. So, how do we escape the prison of fear and negative thinking, and enter that classroom where God changes us?

We choose to walk out the open door.

Amazingly, we can leave this prison whenever we’re ready. As in scripture, where God repeatedly frees those He loves by opening prison doors, He has swung this door wide open. We are not condemned. We have not been judged and punished. We are not forgotten, and we need not be afraid. We have unconsciously chosen a prisoner’s perspective, but the good news is: “God sets prisoners free” [Psalm 146:7].

Consciously choosing to walk out the open door and leave prison behind, we can seek a different place for our souls to dwell as we seek a new perspective on infertility—one that enables us to be transformed, and gives us strong hope. Impossible? “What is impossible with (wo)man is possible with God” [Luke 18:27].

The door is open. And the only One who knows how your story will end is waiting to teach you, encourage you, and help you. Join me in the classroom.

==========================================
Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Doesn’t Understand Infertility

On September 27th, a baby boy was born to a Catholic couple in Ohio. Why was that news? Not because their baby boy was conceived using IVF, but because the implanted embryo wasn’t theirs. It belonged to another infertile couple whose fertilized eggs were mistakenly implanted.

With all its inherent controversy, this story – which received national coverage -- invited readers to stare in disbelief at the terrible collision of two families’ dreams, just as we often do at a horrific highway accident. Look at that tragedy, we were prompted to think. How devastating for the families. How heartbreaking. And then, having seen all there was to see, we were expected to accelerate past the suffering and get on with our lives.

Why not? Was there a more appropriate response?

Actually, yes. Unlike gapers who block roads for no greater purpose than to satisfy morbid curiosity, when we slow down to look carefully at this story, we learn important things about the challenge of infertility and the powerful witness of those who face it.

Infertile couples are all around us. One in every six couples of childbearing age is currently struggling with it. Because of the perceived social stigma, and society’s tabloid fascination with other people’s suffering, most of the struggle goes on silently and secretly. Infertile couples crave community to fight off isolation and compassion to offset grief, but rarely do they find it. Even at church. So, they cling to their spouses and hope that God hasn’t abandoned them.

When the Catholic couple discovered they were pregnant with another couple’s child, they faced a terrible choice: abort, or carry a stranger’s baby to term. An impossible, gut-wrenching decision no longing-to-be parent should ever have to make. What did they decide? “At the end of the day, there’s a life coming,” said Sean Savage, the surrogate-father-to-be. “Even though it’s in an unusual way, it’s still a gift.”

Despite their deep desire to have a baby, they chose to trust God’s purpose over their need. They decided to live into their faith in God’s goodness in the midst of their nightmare.

On the surface, that’s a shocking response to a head-on collision between the dream of parenting and the reality of a fertility clinic error. “Why me?!” seems much more likely. But, the struggle with infertility can be a blessing-in-disguise when it tests – and strengthens -- our faith, and when it gives us an opportunity to live what we believe.

The Savages faced an impossibly difficult situation and chose to rely on grace, one day at a time, for nine painful months. According to the news coverage, they made it.

Other infertile couples can, too.

How can you help them?

First, remember that childlessness can be – but isn’t always – a choice. Even those with children sometimes struggle to conceive again. And, infertility stories are painful. So, as with a multi-car accident, get involved only if you plan to offer help. If you have nothing to offer, keep moving.

Second, encourage your local church and community leaders to provide support for infertile couples. It’s possible to educate, extend compassion and build community at virtually no expense – and with great results. Be a part of bringing blessings into the lives of those who long for them.

Third, if you know a couple struggling with infertility, remind them that they are not alone. Encourage them to talk with friends, family, counselors or other congregants. Do whatever you can to give them hope and help them heal.

That’s a much better response than just driving by.