Exceedingly, Abundantly... Despite Infertility

I met Kirsten and Mike when they were well into their infertility journey. They’d had a spontaneous miscarriage at 18 weeks. “When you go through a miscarriage that’s further along in a pregnancy,” Kirsten said, “a big, huge hole opens up in your life. You feel like you’re completely isolated. You know in your mind that other people have gone through this, but you never expect it to happen to you.”

When they felt ready to try again, they had four unsuccessful IUIs and an IVF cycle that resulted in no embryos. Their doctor, a well-known infertility expert, told them they had infertility “of unknown origin” – and then dropped a bomb. As Mike recalled, “The doctor actually said to us, ‘You will never have kids.’ It took every bit of emotional strength to try to get through it. Kirsten was nuts. She was hitting herself and saying, ‘I’m worthless!’ It was really tough.”

Their doctor pushed them toward egg donation. Mike was willing to think seriously about international adoption. But Kirsten felt a need to try IVF one last time. “I needed a period at the end of the sentence that said, ‘It will not work.’” They found a doctor at Cornell who was trying a new IVF protocol.

When Kirsten woke up from the retrieval, they’d recovered ten eggs. “Now, there was hope,” Mike remembered. A couple days later, there were five embryos. After the transfer, they flew home and waited for test results. The call came. She was pregnant. “I didn’t relax the entire pregnancy,” said Mike. “It was horrible – I was so anxious something would happen. I didn’t exhale until the babies came.”

Two of them. A boy and a girl.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! [Eph 3:20]”

Their dismal track record indicated no chance. Their doctor said, not possible. Their common sense told them, not realistic. Their fear repeated, not happening. But their faith affirmed, I still believe. And God breathed life into their hope.

The story doesn’t end there.

They brought their twins by to visit me recently. Laughing as they shared the news, they told me, “We’re pregnant again.” This time, it’s completely natural. Unplanned. Definitely unexpected. A total gift from God.

He can do anything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and the Price of Pride

A few days ago, I heard a woman in a radio commercial say:

“I can’t afford pride. I’ve got bills to pay and obligations to meet….”

I started thinking, what price do we pay for pride? And why do we do it? As we’re going through infertility, what does it cost us – and is it worth it?

Every year, advertisers spend billions trying to convince us that if we don’t buy what they’re selling, we risk becoming social outcasts – judged by the world, and found lacking. It’s easy enough to see through the strategy, but there are times when it’s difficult to resist the underlying message. Essentially, that message is: “you are the star in the only story that matters. The one everyone is watching. If you don’t meet or exceed expectations, instead of feeling proud of all the attention, you are going to feel shame.”

That’s a very toxic message, and one we receive hundreds of times a day. Without realizing it, with enough exposure, we start to believe it’s the truth. Our egos only serve to confirm it: yes, I’m important. It’s all about me.

So, to avoid public humiliation, we focus our attention on protecting the secret that, for some reason, we can’t have a baby. This choice adds tremendous pressure to the already-stressful infertility experience. It enables us to avoid the imaginary spotlight – but at the cost of separation, isolation, and the loss of support and encouragement we so desperately need.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

God says the opposite of pride isn’t shame; it’s humility. It’s acknowledging that we aren’t the center of the universe, and life isn’t all about us. Although that realization may be a slight bruise to the ego, it’s also a great relief. It means we don’t have to be perfect; God already knows we’re flawed. We don’t have to earn our blessings; God already intends to give them to us. We don’t have to explain our childlessness; God has a plan and a purpose for this journey. All we need to do is trust Him.

“To you, O Lord, I life up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame….” [Psalm 25:1-3].

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Paying It Forward After Infertility

“Here is a unique story with a great outcome. I was able to use our experience to help Kendra's mother get comfortable with the biological and ethical issues of the process....”

This is part of an email that landed in my inbox today. It’s from a man who went through the infertility Bible study I taught for several years. He and his wife shared their inspirational story in Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, and they continue to “pay forward” the blessings of God by reaching out to other infertile couples.

He jokes that his wife can’t run an errand without meeting someone who happens to be going through infertility – “she’s like a magnet!” She takes these encounters very seriously – believing God has pre-ordained them because of her own experience – and so she prays over each of these new friends. As much as he teases her about it, he seems to be doing his part to pay it forward, too.

Here’s the story he played a small part in, excerpted from a recent newspaper article:

When Kendra Allen lay in a maternity ward at Baptist Hospital in Nashville two years ago, giving birth to a son whose heart had stopped beating, her friend Nita was there. Kendra's doctors told her she would never be able to have another child. She had developed a serious condition requiring weeks of bed rest and intravenous fluids with her first pregnancy. This pregnancy was even worse, and doctors warned she might not survive a third one.

So, Kendra and her husband began thinking about finding a surrogate mother. Kendra asked Nita and other friends to pray for her. Nita supported the idea but never thought of herself as a viable candidate. For one thing Nita was almost 49. She also had difficult pregnancies in the past, ruling out a normal delivery. When another surrogate candidate dropped out, though, Nita volunteered.

In January, the two friends were back in the maternity ward. This time, Nita was giving birth, as surrogate mother for the newborn son of Kendra and John. No money ever changed hands; this surrogacy was about faith and friendship. Both couples believe they have experienced a miracle and are "reveling in the graciousness and generosity of God," said Kendra. "God is dancing with us and celebrating the life of this child."

It’s hard to see the blessings in our own seasons of suffering, and hard to imagine that our suffering can be redeemed. Truth be told, if we were offered a choice between accruing blessings amidst suffering or sidestepping suffering altogether, we’d probably take the latter.

Give me what I want now, and I’ll forgo the blessings later. That’s the selfish, me-centric perspective that is part of our human nature.

But sometimes, God has a plan that incorporates our current suffering into a miraculous larger story. The challenge, of course, is that we aren’t told how – or when – the story will unfold. So, we must trust the author of the story and the promise that “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” [Rom 8:28].

Brian, the email’s author, would never have chosen to struggle through infertility. But, his experience of God’s very real presence in and through it equipped him to talk with Kendra Allen’s mother. To testify to God’s faithfulness, and to explain what Kendra was contemplating through the perspective of his own journey. That helped her to be supportive – which was one piece of the larger puzzle that came together to create the picture of a new family.

Why does this matter to you? It means that nothing you are experiencing is pointless. It is part of the story that is unfolding in, through, and around you. A story that is not just about you – but also about God’s faithfulness, purposefulness, and desire to work all things together for good. He wants to work a miracle in your story, and then, to give you a role to play in other couple’s journeys.

One day, you, too, will have a chance to pay it forward.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

They're Clueless About Infertility

For infertile couples, part of the frustration – and a major source of heartache – is other people's cluelessness. It may be rooted in ignorance, inexperience, a lack of social skills, or pure self-absorption. Whatever the reason, the words of others can cause deep, lasting pain to hearts that are already fragile.

Just after I miscarried twins, we called my husband’s brother to share our heartbreaking news. We had no idea that he and his wife were also planning to start a family. His reaction? “That’s too bad... but now we’ll have the first grandchild!!”

I was speechless. It took everything I had to get to the end of the phone call.

Thankfully, it’s not always that bad. But people can be incredibly insensitive. Has that been your experience? People you think of as loving family or supportive friends suddenly seem incapable of saying anything helpful? Instead, their words slice right through your spirit and take your breath away?

It’s a common problem for couples going through infertility.

People you trust and care about will be thoughtless enough to ask, “why haven’t you two started a family?” Or, they’ll hand out gratuitous, unsolicited advice like, “just adopt – you’ll get pregnant right away” or, “go on vacation – that’s how we got pregnant” or, “stop worrying about it – it’ll happen sooner or later” – as if tossing these tidbits is all it takes to help you.

Surely, they don’t mean to be heartless. Or patronizing. Or dismissive of the challenge you face. But, all too often, they pour salt in your wound. When the tears threaten to pour down your cheeks, you may wonder, am I being oversensitive? Too defensive?

I don’t think so.

It is hard to explain this journey to someone who hasn’t made it – the stress… the fear… the tension… the uncertainty… the worry… the anger… the grief… the sense of being far removed from everyone and everything “normal”… the inability to get on with your life because you’ve put everything on hold.

How do you say all of that in the middle of a phone call? Or a church hallway? Or a restaurant?

You can’t.

But, here’s what you can do:

Set some boundaries – Recognize that you know better than anyone else what helps you now – and what doesn’t. Set firm, healthy boundaries that will protect your vulnerable heart. Make choices that fill your spirit with hope and surround you with people who truly understand how to help. Say “no” to people and events that leave you empty, discouraged, or afraid. Remember, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power….” [II Tim 1:7]. Use that power to enforce good boundaries.

Give some grace – It’s hard to imagine trying to muster compassion for someone whose remark has just reduced you to tears. The temptation is to focus on the pain they’ve caused. Don’t do it. Release it, reclaim your hope, and let God heal your wound. As Jesus prayed, “…forgive them, they know not what they do” [Luke 23:34].

Find some community – You may be looking to the wrong community for encouragement and hope. If family and friends have failed to offer meaningful support, seek out other couples who understand this journey. Meet with a counselor or clergy member who is not afraid to confront your feelings. And claim this promise, “…hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” [Romans 5:5]. When no one else stands with you, God delivers His hope to you through the Holy Spirit.

Make some progress – There is no greater satisfaction in this journey than sensing forward progress. Instead of measuring it just by test results or egg harvests, learn to measure progress this way: “… let us throw off everything that hinders us… and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” [Heb 12:1-2]. Hurtful remarks hinder us. So does dwelling on them. If we are to run with perseverance, then this isn’t likely to be a sprint. We must pace ourselves – and applaud every bit of progress we make.

The Finish Line is waiting. Don't be distracted by the voices of the crowd.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Finding Hope During Infertility

My favorite blogger, Jon Acuff, wrote about hope yesterday. I don’t know if he ever went through infertility—most guys don’t seem to volunteer that information—but he definitely understands how it can feel to long for hope. To think you’ve grasped it, and then feel it slipping away. He writes:

“Hope is one of the first things that disappears when you get lost. Your ability to see beyond your current circumstances is chased south by the shadows. Your ability to dream and plan and hold visions close to your chest fades until hope feels foreign and far away.”

He’s right, and it can happen in an instant. One minute, you think this could be the month when everything changes, when all the meds and shots and office visits and heartache become worth it. Your hopes are high… the counts look good… and then… no heartbeat on the ultrasound.

No baby.

As the shadows deepen and the realization chases hope away, a part of you knows you’ve got to reboot and psych up to do it all again. Muster some more hope, even if you’re not feeling it. Because otherwise, how are you going to keep doing this? And what other choice do you have?

As the tears start to fall, you wonder, will it ever happen for us? Jon writes:

“There’s a temptation to believe you’re doing something wrong if you don’t feel hopeful 24/7.”

That’s a trap a lot of us fall into, thinking "it's all about me and what I did (or didn't do)." We start doubting the hope that seemed so prescient just before we got the news. We begin thinking that this moment’s lack of hope not only mirrors a past full of failures, but also foreshadows a future of many more. And then, we sink into the darkness of despair.

We want to escape this awful place — this terrible feeling — and something urges us: grieve the past, push through the present, and seize control of the future. It’s the only way to get what you want. Believe in yourself, and don’t give up. That’s the only way. It’s what’s working for everyone else.

Don’t fall for the lie.

God says, receive my grace for all that is past. Trust the plans I have for your future. And meet me here in the present. I will give you peace in the midst of uncertainty. Trust me with all your heart; don’t trust yourself to make sense of this. Believe that I have a plan and a purpose, and I will show you the way out of darkness into hope and a future [Prov 3:5-5, John 14:27, Jer 29:11].

Despite our hunger for hope and our desperate need for help, we’re tempted to turn our backs. To say, No thanks, God. I want a baby, and you didn’t say anything about a baby. I want control, and I think I can have a baby if I find the right doctor, and take the right medicines, and eat the right foods, and get the right exercise, and do the right things, in the right order, at the right time, on the right month…. And, I hope that’s true.

I... I... I....

What if it's not true? What if you're not in control of this story? Then, what happens to your hope? The shadows lengthen at the thought.

But, what if you're not meant to be in control? And what if that's a gift? What if you haven't failed? What if it's just not time yet? What if God intends to transform your experience before your baby comes? What if there is so much that you don't understand?

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you.... [Eph 1:18]. There is a hope that transcends the moment of bad news, the blood counts and test results of this day, and the despair that's guaranteed to be part of this journey. It's hope with staying power.

It took me awhile to find it, and longer to trust it. But it changed everything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility Insanity

Infertility causes temporary insanity. At least, that’s what I think. I say that not as the wife of a psychiatrist – who would vehemently disagree with my armchair diagnosis — but as someone who experienced it first-hand.

What’s my evidence? Let’s start with the single-minded obsession. The compulsive checking, tracking, monitoring, documenting, and comparing. The inability to concentrate on anything else. The mood swings. The drama. The tears. Should I continue? It would be easy to blame it all on the meds… but probably not accurate.

If you’ve been there — or if you’re there now — you know what I mean. There’s really no alternative, right? That’s just part of the deal when you’re going through infertility. Well… not so fast.

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Jesus asked these questions of the disciples when they seemed to miss the point of his lesson. Essentially, he was saying, “Do you still not have my perspective?”

He could just as easily be asking us.

What perspective is he talking about? See what? Hear what? Remember what?

In the midst of infertility, it’s easy (and common) to feel as if we can’t see or hear or remember anything… unless it’s related to having a baby. That’s all we can think about. Constantly. It’s all we can see: pregnant women everywhere. It’s all we can hear: everyone (but us) saying, “I’ve got great news!” It’s all we can remember: it hasn’t happened for me.

Our intensely-focused desire is all-consuming. But somehow, that focus doesn’t seem to help us get any closer to the goal. In fact, the obsession with getting—and staying—pregnant is actually making it harder to think clearly, see the big picture, and hear the good news.

Wait a minute. What good news?

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” The good news is that God is eternal, unchanging and faithful. He is a promise-keeper who longs to use our circumstances for our benefit. The opportunity exists. And, the Bible says He will — if we will let Him. Trust that He is at work, and claim His promise: “…I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’”

It’s the only real antidote to infertility insanity.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com