Rabbits, Pickles & the Fight to Control Infertility

I just heard from a woman who adopted years ago, and is now watching close friends struggle with infertility. She wrote:

“They are desperately trying to have a child...even eating tons of rabbit meat...someone told them rabbits are prolific so maybe eating them would help...not joking.”

Okay, what the heck? Except… we tried all sorts of crazy things, too. Someone told me I should eat lots of pickles, since that’s what pregnant women crave. So, for weeks, I choked them down. Never having been a fan before forced consumption, I learned to hate them in a whole new way when my next cycle started right on time.

It’s laughable now. But it wasn’t then. We were dead serious about getting what we wanted, and if pickles were the path to parenthood, so be it.

When we can’t have what we desperately want, our common impulse it seize control. That’s human nature. The behavior can seem ridiculous – eating tons of rabbit meat, choking down jars of pickles. Or, it can appear rational – buying ovulation predictors by the case, scheduling major life events around doctor’s appointments. But bottom line, it’s all about the fight for control.

Part of the purpose of this infertility journey is to help us realize we are not in control. We can’t be, no matter how desperately we want to be. That unwelcome realization brings every couple to a fork in the road where a choice must be made: resist the truth, or embrace it.

Resist it, and you doom yourself to a lot of heartache. Control is an illusion. A mirage. An unattainable goal. If you commit yourself to gaining control of this situation no matter what it costs, you will pay a very high price. And you still may not have a child.

But, embrace the truth and you make room for God in your story. You stop investing energy in pretending you know the answers, and recognize the wisdom, power and authority of the only one who truly does. Instead of worshiping the illusion of control, you worship the one who has it – and you humbly acknowledge your need for his help.

It’s the only choice that makes sense. And it’s the path that leads where you want to go.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility Insanity

Infertility causes temporary insanity. At least, that’s what I think. I say that not as the wife of a psychiatrist – who would vehemently disagree with my armchair diagnosis — but as someone who experienced it first-hand.

What’s my evidence? Let’s start with the single-minded obsession. The compulsive checking, tracking, monitoring, documenting, and comparing. The inability to concentrate on anything else. The mood swings. The drama. The tears. Should I continue? It would be easy to blame it all on the meds… but probably not accurate.

If you’ve been there — or if you’re there now — you know what I mean. There’s really no alternative, right? That’s just part of the deal when you’re going through infertility. Well… not so fast.

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Jesus asked these questions of the disciples when they seemed to miss the point of his lesson. Essentially, he was saying, “Do you still not have my perspective?”

He could just as easily be asking us.

What perspective is he talking about? See what? Hear what? Remember what?

In the midst of infertility, it’s easy (and common) to feel as if we can’t see or hear or remember anything… unless it’s related to having a baby. That’s all we can think about. Constantly. It’s all we can see: pregnant women everywhere. It’s all we can hear: everyone (but us) saying, “I’ve got great news!” It’s all we can remember: it hasn’t happened for me.

Our intensely-focused desire is all-consuming. But somehow, that focus doesn’t seem to help us get any closer to the goal. In fact, the obsession with getting—and staying—pregnant is actually making it harder to think clearly, see the big picture, and hear the good news.

Wait a minute. What good news?

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” The good news is that God is eternal, unchanging and faithful. He is a promise-keeper who longs to use our circumstances for our benefit. The opportunity exists. And, the Bible says He will — if we will let Him. Trust that He is at work, and claim His promise: “…I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’”

It’s the only real antidote to infertility insanity.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Obsessing Over Pregnancy

AP news release (11/09) - Doctors have long worried about a link between fertility drugs and ovarian cancer. But, Danish researchers recently analyzed medical records of 54,362 women and found that, over a 13-year follow-up period, those who took fertility drugs faced no greater risk of ovarian cancer – even if they’d undergone 10 or more treatment cycles.

Why is it that obsessing over when we’ll get pregnant isn’t enough? We have to compound our suffering by worrying over other things we can’t control—like whether the fertility drugs we take now will bring on some new kind of suffering later.

“Fear and faith seem like opposites,” writes Joel Osteen, “but both ask us to believe something we cannot see. Fear says, ‘believe the negative.’ Faith says, ‘believe the positive.’"

Why is so much easier for us to embrace fear?

And if we hate feeling fearful, why do we choose fear as our response to uncertainty?

The truth is, it doesn’t feel like a choice. Loss of control flips a panic switch somewhere deep inside us. Our instinctive fight-or-flight response takes over: Hurry! Fix this! Solve it! Now!

We don’t want to feel afraid. We hate it. So, in response to fear, we fight for control—struggling to maintain a steady course down an unfamiliar road toward a destination we hope we can find.

Parenthood. Is it just up ahead? We want to believe we’re on the right road… but something tells us we’re lost. And alone. In growing darkness. Uncertainty compounds our panic and, before we know it, we’re careening down a dark road at top speed – scared to death, and hoping to make it in one piece.

Is there any other way to make this journey?

Yes…, but it requires us to do the unthinkable: relinquish control.

Letting go in the midst of infertility is completely counterintuitive. It feels like giving up. But it’s not. It is simply a humble admission that we are not in control. We desperately want to be, but we’re not.

Unconsciously, we’ve resisted facing this obvious truth. Why? Out of fear that we’ll be overwhelmed by despair. We’ll see how small and helpless we truly are in the face of intractable infertility, and heartbreak will become defeat.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When we admit we are not in control, we make room for God to enter the story.

Will He help us? Will He care?

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Those were Jesus’ words to a panicked father when he heard his daughter had died. Jesus understood the man’s instinctive response was fear and grief. But Jesus told him: don’t choose fear… choose faith. Trust me… not what they tell you, or what you see.

What is your visceral response to bad news? Do you rush to embrace grief and fear? Or do you believe (“walk by faith…”), despite what you see (“…not by sight”)?

It’s your journey. And it’s your choice.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Doesn’t Understand Infertility

On September 27th, a baby boy was born to a Catholic couple in Ohio. Why was that news? Not because their baby boy was conceived using IVF, but because the implanted embryo wasn’t theirs. It belonged to another infertile couple whose fertilized eggs were mistakenly implanted.

With all its inherent controversy, this story – which received national coverage -- invited readers to stare in disbelief at the terrible collision of two families’ dreams, just as we often do at a horrific highway accident. Look at that tragedy, we were prompted to think. How devastating for the families. How heartbreaking. And then, having seen all there was to see, we were expected to accelerate past the suffering and get on with our lives.

Why not? Was there a more appropriate response?

Actually, yes. Unlike gapers who block roads for no greater purpose than to satisfy morbid curiosity, when we slow down to look carefully at this story, we learn important things about the challenge of infertility and the powerful witness of those who face it.

Infertile couples are all around us. One in every six couples of childbearing age is currently struggling with it. Because of the perceived social stigma, and society’s tabloid fascination with other people’s suffering, most of the struggle goes on silently and secretly. Infertile couples crave community to fight off isolation and compassion to offset grief, but rarely do they find it. Even at church. So, they cling to their spouses and hope that God hasn’t abandoned them.

When the Catholic couple discovered they were pregnant with another couple’s child, they faced a terrible choice: abort, or carry a stranger’s baby to term. An impossible, gut-wrenching decision no longing-to-be parent should ever have to make. What did they decide? “At the end of the day, there’s a life coming,” said Sean Savage, the surrogate-father-to-be. “Even though it’s in an unusual way, it’s still a gift.”

Despite their deep desire to have a baby, they chose to trust God’s purpose over their need. They decided to live into their faith in God’s goodness in the midst of their nightmare.

On the surface, that’s a shocking response to a head-on collision between the dream of parenting and the reality of a fertility clinic error. “Why me?!” seems much more likely. But, the struggle with infertility can be a blessing-in-disguise when it tests – and strengthens -- our faith, and when it gives us an opportunity to live what we believe.

The Savages faced an impossibly difficult situation and chose to rely on grace, one day at a time, for nine painful months. According to the news coverage, they made it.

Other infertile couples can, too.

How can you help them?

First, remember that childlessness can be – but isn’t always – a choice. Even those with children sometimes struggle to conceive again. And, infertility stories are painful. So, as with a multi-car accident, get involved only if you plan to offer help. If you have nothing to offer, keep moving.

Second, encourage your local church and community leaders to provide support for infertile couples. It’s possible to educate, extend compassion and build community at virtually no expense – and with great results. Be a part of bringing blessings into the lives of those who long for them.

Third, if you know a couple struggling with infertility, remind them that they are not alone. Encourage them to talk with friends, family, counselors or other congregants. Do whatever you can to give them hope and help them heal.

That’s a much better response than just driving by.