Rabbits, Pickles & the Fight to Control Infertility

I just heard from a woman who adopted years ago, and is now watching close friends struggle with infertility. She wrote:

“They are desperately trying to have a child...even eating tons of rabbit meat...someone told them rabbits are prolific so maybe eating them would help...not joking.”

Okay, what the heck? Except… we tried all sorts of crazy things, too. Someone told me I should eat lots of pickles, since that’s what pregnant women crave. So, for weeks, I choked them down. Never having been a fan before forced consumption, I learned to hate them in a whole new way when my next cycle started right on time.

It’s laughable now. But it wasn’t then. We were dead serious about getting what we wanted, and if pickles were the path to parenthood, so be it.

When we can’t have what we desperately want, our common impulse it seize control. That’s human nature. The behavior can seem ridiculous – eating tons of rabbit meat, choking down jars of pickles. Or, it can appear rational – buying ovulation predictors by the case, scheduling major life events around doctor’s appointments. But bottom line, it’s all about the fight for control.

Part of the purpose of this infertility journey is to help us realize we are not in control. We can’t be, no matter how desperately we want to be. That unwelcome realization brings every couple to a fork in the road where a choice must be made: resist the truth, or embrace it.

Resist it, and you doom yourself to a lot of heartache. Control is an illusion. A mirage. An unattainable goal. If you commit yourself to gaining control of this situation no matter what it costs, you will pay a very high price. And you still may not have a child.

But, embrace the truth and you make room for God in your story. You stop investing energy in pretending you know the answers, and recognize the wisdom, power and authority of the only one who truly does. Instead of worshiping the illusion of control, you worship the one who has it – and you humbly acknowledge your need for his help.

It’s the only choice that makes sense. And it’s the path that leads where you want to go.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Can We Talk About Infertility?

If misery loves company, why do we insist on isolating ourselves when we need support the most? One woman with the courage to go public with a private loss wrote this in a Newsweek editorial:

“The doctor said the test had indicated an unviable pregnancy. I started talking to other pregnant women (who seemed to be all around me) and learned what no one tells you until devastation has set in: up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

People keep too mum about private tragedies such as this. True, miscarriages are not catastrophic, especially in terms of sheer commonality, but it can tear away a piece of you that you didn’t know was there. We need to talk to each other, rather than suffer surrounded by silent sisters.”

She’s right. We need to talk to each other. Suffering in silence only compounds the sense of isolation we already feel in the midst of infertility.

So, why don’t we talk? Why don’t we tell each other, “I lost a pregnancy” or “I lost a child”? The tidal wave of grief is already washing over us. The only way to get a lifeline is to call for help.

What’s stopping us?

Pride is what silenced me. I hated to admit I was failing at something so many other women seemed to accomplish effortlessly. Seemed being the key word. If the Newsweek writer is to be believed, there were miscarriages going on all around me. But no one talked about it. Those silent sisters kept their secrets and I foolishly believed that I was alone in my misery. That I was the only one struggling to catch up with everyone else’s instant gratification.

Now, consider this: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” [James 4:6].

Ouch.

My pride was rooted in a desire for self-reliance and control. I was raised to consider self-reliance a virtue…an admirable quality often seen in leaders… the mark of a “can do” go-getter. And control as the holy grail. But God doesn’t see it that way. He sees arrogant self-centeredness that refuses to make room for Him. Or worse, an entitlement attitude that puts me on the throne and Him at my beck and call (in the form of “I want/I need” prayer).

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Thank goodness I finally set my pride aside and began to share my struggle. Grace came from all around me, in the form of stories shared by women who’d also kept their struggles secret. All of us had bought into the lie that we alone were failing to conceive. We alone kept miscarrying. Meanwhile, “we” were everywhere.

Don’t make my mistake. Share your story. There’s a silent sister out there suffering, and she needs to hear it.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Obsessing Over Pregnancy

AP news release (11/09) - Doctors have long worried about a link between fertility drugs and ovarian cancer. But, Danish researchers recently analyzed medical records of 54,362 women and found that, over a 13-year follow-up period, those who took fertility drugs faced no greater risk of ovarian cancer – even if they’d undergone 10 or more treatment cycles.

Why is it that obsessing over when we’ll get pregnant isn’t enough? We have to compound our suffering by worrying over other things we can’t control—like whether the fertility drugs we take now will bring on some new kind of suffering later.

“Fear and faith seem like opposites,” writes Joel Osteen, “but both ask us to believe something we cannot see. Fear says, ‘believe the negative.’ Faith says, ‘believe the positive.’"

Why is so much easier for us to embrace fear?

And if we hate feeling fearful, why do we choose fear as our response to uncertainty?

The truth is, it doesn’t feel like a choice. Loss of control flips a panic switch somewhere deep inside us. Our instinctive fight-or-flight response takes over: Hurry! Fix this! Solve it! Now!

We don’t want to feel afraid. We hate it. So, in response to fear, we fight for control—struggling to maintain a steady course down an unfamiliar road toward a destination we hope we can find.

Parenthood. Is it just up ahead? We want to believe we’re on the right road… but something tells us we’re lost. And alone. In growing darkness. Uncertainty compounds our panic and, before we know it, we’re careening down a dark road at top speed – scared to death, and hoping to make it in one piece.

Is there any other way to make this journey?

Yes…, but it requires us to do the unthinkable: relinquish control.

Letting go in the midst of infertility is completely counterintuitive. It feels like giving up. But it’s not. It is simply a humble admission that we are not in control. We desperately want to be, but we’re not.

Unconsciously, we’ve resisted facing this obvious truth. Why? Out of fear that we’ll be overwhelmed by despair. We’ll see how small and helpless we truly are in the face of intractable infertility, and heartbreak will become defeat.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When we admit we are not in control, we make room for God to enter the story.

Will He help us? Will He care?

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Those were Jesus’ words to a panicked father when he heard his daughter had died. Jesus understood the man’s instinctive response was fear and grief. But Jesus told him: don’t choose fear… choose faith. Trust me… not what they tell you, or what you see.

What is your visceral response to bad news? Do you rush to embrace grief and fear? Or do you believe (“walk by faith…”), despite what you see (“…not by sight”)?

It’s your journey. And it’s your choice.

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