Exceedingly, Abundantly... Despite Infertility

I met Kirsten and Mike when they were well into their infertility journey. They’d had a spontaneous miscarriage at 18 weeks. “When you go through a miscarriage that’s further along in a pregnancy,” Kirsten said, “a big, huge hole opens up in your life. You feel like you’re completely isolated. You know in your mind that other people have gone through this, but you never expect it to happen to you.”

When they felt ready to try again, they had four unsuccessful IUIs and an IVF cycle that resulted in no embryos. Their doctor, a well-known infertility expert, told them they had infertility “of unknown origin” – and then dropped a bomb. As Mike recalled, “The doctor actually said to us, ‘You will never have kids.’ It took every bit of emotional strength to try to get through it. Kirsten was nuts. She was hitting herself and saying, ‘I’m worthless!’ It was really tough.”

Their doctor pushed them toward egg donation. Mike was willing to think seriously about international adoption. But Kirsten felt a need to try IVF one last time. “I needed a period at the end of the sentence that said, ‘It will not work.’” They found a doctor at Cornell who was trying a new IVF protocol.

When Kirsten woke up from the retrieval, they’d recovered ten eggs. “Now, there was hope,” Mike remembered. A couple days later, there were five embryos. After the transfer, they flew home and waited for test results. The call came. She was pregnant. “I didn’t relax the entire pregnancy,” said Mike. “It was horrible – I was so anxious something would happen. I didn’t exhale until the babies came.”

Two of them. A boy and a girl.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! [Eph 3:20]”

Their dismal track record indicated no chance. Their doctor said, not possible. Their common sense told them, not realistic. Their fear repeated, not happening. But their faith affirmed, I still believe. And God breathed life into their hope.

The story doesn’t end there.

They brought their twins by to visit me recently. Laughing as they shared the news, they told me, “We’re pregnant again.” This time, it’s completely natural. Unplanned. Definitely unexpected. A total gift from God.

He can do anything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Rabbits, Pickles & the Fight to Control Infertility

I just heard from a woman who adopted years ago, and is now watching close friends struggle with infertility. She wrote:

“They are desperately trying to have a child...even eating tons of rabbit meat...someone told them rabbits are prolific so maybe eating them would help...not joking.”

Okay, what the heck? Except… we tried all sorts of crazy things, too. Someone told me I should eat lots of pickles, since that’s what pregnant women crave. So, for weeks, I choked them down. Never having been a fan before forced consumption, I learned to hate them in a whole new way when my next cycle started right on time.

It’s laughable now. But it wasn’t then. We were dead serious about getting what we wanted, and if pickles were the path to parenthood, so be it.

When we can’t have what we desperately want, our common impulse it seize control. That’s human nature. The behavior can seem ridiculous – eating tons of rabbit meat, choking down jars of pickles. Or, it can appear rational – buying ovulation predictors by the case, scheduling major life events around doctor’s appointments. But bottom line, it’s all about the fight for control.

Part of the purpose of this infertility journey is to help us realize we are not in control. We can’t be, no matter how desperately we want to be. That unwelcome realization brings every couple to a fork in the road where a choice must be made: resist the truth, or embrace it.

Resist it, and you doom yourself to a lot of heartache. Control is an illusion. A mirage. An unattainable goal. If you commit yourself to gaining control of this situation no matter what it costs, you will pay a very high price. And you still may not have a child.

But, embrace the truth and you make room for God in your story. You stop investing energy in pretending you know the answers, and recognize the wisdom, power and authority of the only one who truly does. Instead of worshiping the illusion of control, you worship the one who has it – and you humbly acknowledge your need for his help.

It’s the only choice that makes sense. And it’s the path that leads where you want to go.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and the Price of Pride

A few days ago, I heard a woman in a radio commercial say:

“I can’t afford pride. I’ve got bills to pay and obligations to meet….”

I started thinking, what price do we pay for pride? And why do we do it? As we’re going through infertility, what does it cost us – and is it worth it?

Every year, advertisers spend billions trying to convince us that if we don’t buy what they’re selling, we risk becoming social outcasts – judged by the world, and found lacking. It’s easy enough to see through the strategy, but there are times when it’s difficult to resist the underlying message. Essentially, that message is: “you are the star in the only story that matters. The one everyone is watching. If you don’t meet or exceed expectations, instead of feeling proud of all the attention, you are going to feel shame.”

That’s a very toxic message, and one we receive hundreds of times a day. Without realizing it, with enough exposure, we start to believe it’s the truth. Our egos only serve to confirm it: yes, I’m important. It’s all about me.

So, to avoid public humiliation, we focus our attention on protecting the secret that, for some reason, we can’t have a baby. This choice adds tremendous pressure to the already-stressful infertility experience. It enables us to avoid the imaginary spotlight – but at the cost of separation, isolation, and the loss of support and encouragement we so desperately need.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

God says the opposite of pride isn’t shame; it’s humility. It’s acknowledging that we aren’t the center of the universe, and life isn’t all about us. Although that realization may be a slight bruise to the ego, it’s also a great relief. It means we don’t have to be perfect; God already knows we’re flawed. We don’t have to earn our blessings; God already intends to give them to us. We don’t have to explain our childlessness; God has a plan and a purpose for this journey. All we need to do is trust Him.

“To you, O Lord, I life up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame….” [Psalm 25:1-3].

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Out-of-the-Box Thinking About Infertility

What if instead of keeping your infertility a secret you actually told everyone? I mean EVERYONE. Before you say, “Never!” read this excerpt of a story from the San Francisco Chronicle:

Molly and Brian Walsh were in their mid-30’s when they married. They wanted to start a family, but Brian has Marfan’s syndrome, a connective tissue disease, and they did not want to pass it on to their child. They needed $25-30,000 for IVF with PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis). They saved $10,000. Then, they did what is to many infertile couples unthinkable: they went public. In a big way.

The decision to go public was not easy, but ultimately, this was a race against the clock. They used email, Facebook and Twitter to invite friends to a “Makin’ Whoopie” wine tasting party, at $35 a head. Not only did 100 friends agree to attend, they also donated trips, tours, art and wine for a silent auction. Many also offered up stories of their own struggles with fertility to encourage the Walshes in their pursuit of a healthy, successful pregnancy.

Funds raised: $8000. Hope renewed: priceless.

What do you think? Outrageous? Inspired? Unimaginable? Whatever you may think about the idea, I think there’s a lot to learn from the story. Here are some examples you could follow:

1. Face the truth – For Molly & Brian, inheritable genetic defects indicated IVF with PGD. And that required a big budget. Money was tight and time was short. The facts weren’t encouraging, but facing them squarely gave them a starting point.
2. Set pride aside – The one variable they could control was their insistence on privacy. Once they realized they needed assistance to reach their goal, the choice was clear: forget pride, get help. All that required was humility.
3. Come out of hiding – The party invitation read: “You can’t help us in the bedroom, but you can help us make a baby.” Pretense was pointless, as was secrecy. They sent invitations to hundreds of people – some of whom they hadn’t seen or talked to in years.
4. Ask for help – Their request for help explained their situation and invited people who cared to be part of the solution. The humility inherent in their appeal was irresistible to many of those they contacted.
5. Invite openness – After publicly telling their story, the Walshes experienced an unexpected blessing: “Our friends shared amazing stories with us on Facebook – successes, as well as struggles and challenges.” The Walsh’s willingness to share their story opened the door for other couples to do the same.
6. Build community - Before this, Brian Walsh said, “we had felt like a private island in no-man’s land – surrounded by friends who have kids.” Knowing about other couples’ struggles “made it easier.” The Walshes formed new bonds with old friends whose success conceiving had seemed to create a wall of separation; now, they shared a common foe (infertility) and a common goal (parenthood).
7. Encourage investment – The Walsh’s friends literally invested in the outcome of their infertility journey. But even figurative investments translate into ongoing support & concern, instead of perceived judgment or unwelcome pity.
8. Leave a legacy – The Walsh’s creative campaign not only raised funds, it also created a huge network of loving future godparents – each of whom is deeply invested in breathing life into the dream of a Walsh family. What a legacy… for this newly-strengthened community of friends, and for the Walsh’s much-anticipated child.

I believe the example the Walshes set is relevant to every infertility journey. Not the party, necessarily… but the logic behind it. The Bible teaches that we are one body [I Cor 12:22-27]. We need each other. We are intended to bear each other's burdens, and share each other's joys. How can that happen if infertile couples refuse to share their secret, ask for help, build community, or invite others to become invested in their success?

Party or no party, I think the Walshes are onto something.

What do you think?

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Paying It Forward After Infertility

“Here is a unique story with a great outcome. I was able to use our experience to help Kendra's mother get comfortable with the biological and ethical issues of the process....”

This is part of an email that landed in my inbox today. It’s from a man who went through the infertility Bible study I taught for several years. He and his wife shared their inspirational story in Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, and they continue to “pay forward” the blessings of God by reaching out to other infertile couples.

He jokes that his wife can’t run an errand without meeting someone who happens to be going through infertility – “she’s like a magnet!” She takes these encounters very seriously – believing God has pre-ordained them because of her own experience – and so she prays over each of these new friends. As much as he teases her about it, he seems to be doing his part to pay it forward, too.

Here’s the story he played a small part in, excerpted from a recent newspaper article:

When Kendra Allen lay in a maternity ward at Baptist Hospital in Nashville two years ago, giving birth to a son whose heart had stopped beating, her friend Nita was there. Kendra's doctors told her she would never be able to have another child. She had developed a serious condition requiring weeks of bed rest and intravenous fluids with her first pregnancy. This pregnancy was even worse, and doctors warned she might not survive a third one.

So, Kendra and her husband began thinking about finding a surrogate mother. Kendra asked Nita and other friends to pray for her. Nita supported the idea but never thought of herself as a viable candidate. For one thing Nita was almost 49. She also had difficult pregnancies in the past, ruling out a normal delivery. When another surrogate candidate dropped out, though, Nita volunteered.

In January, the two friends were back in the maternity ward. This time, Nita was giving birth, as surrogate mother for the newborn son of Kendra and John. No money ever changed hands; this surrogacy was about faith and friendship. Both couples believe they have experienced a miracle and are "reveling in the graciousness and generosity of God," said Kendra. "God is dancing with us and celebrating the life of this child."

It’s hard to see the blessings in our own seasons of suffering, and hard to imagine that our suffering can be redeemed. Truth be told, if we were offered a choice between accruing blessings amidst suffering or sidestepping suffering altogether, we’d probably take the latter.

Give me what I want now, and I’ll forgo the blessings later. That’s the selfish, me-centric perspective that is part of our human nature.

But sometimes, God has a plan that incorporates our current suffering into a miraculous larger story. The challenge, of course, is that we aren’t told how – or when – the story will unfold. So, we must trust the author of the story and the promise that “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” [Rom 8:28].

Brian, the email’s author, would never have chosen to struggle through infertility. But, his experience of God’s very real presence in and through it equipped him to talk with Kendra Allen’s mother. To testify to God’s faithfulness, and to explain what Kendra was contemplating through the perspective of his own journey. That helped her to be supportive – which was one piece of the larger puzzle that came together to create the picture of a new family.

Why does this matter to you? It means that nothing you are experiencing is pointless. It is part of the story that is unfolding in, through, and around you. A story that is not just about you – but also about God’s faithfulness, purposefulness, and desire to work all things together for good. He wants to work a miracle in your story, and then, to give you a role to play in other couple’s journeys.

One day, you, too, will have a chance to pay it forward.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

They're Clueless About Infertility

For infertile couples, part of the frustration – and a major source of heartache – is other people's cluelessness. It may be rooted in ignorance, inexperience, a lack of social skills, or pure self-absorption. Whatever the reason, the words of others can cause deep, lasting pain to hearts that are already fragile.

Just after I miscarried twins, we called my husband’s brother to share our heartbreaking news. We had no idea that he and his wife were also planning to start a family. His reaction? “That’s too bad... but now we’ll have the first grandchild!!”

I was speechless. It took everything I had to get to the end of the phone call.

Thankfully, it’s not always that bad. But people can be incredibly insensitive. Has that been your experience? People you think of as loving family or supportive friends suddenly seem incapable of saying anything helpful? Instead, their words slice right through your spirit and take your breath away?

It’s a common problem for couples going through infertility.

People you trust and care about will be thoughtless enough to ask, “why haven’t you two started a family?” Or, they’ll hand out gratuitous, unsolicited advice like, “just adopt – you’ll get pregnant right away” or, “go on vacation – that’s how we got pregnant” or, “stop worrying about it – it’ll happen sooner or later” – as if tossing these tidbits is all it takes to help you.

Surely, they don’t mean to be heartless. Or patronizing. Or dismissive of the challenge you face. But, all too often, they pour salt in your wound. When the tears threaten to pour down your cheeks, you may wonder, am I being oversensitive? Too defensive?

I don’t think so.

It is hard to explain this journey to someone who hasn’t made it – the stress… the fear… the tension… the uncertainty… the worry… the anger… the grief… the sense of being far removed from everyone and everything “normal”… the inability to get on with your life because you’ve put everything on hold.

How do you say all of that in the middle of a phone call? Or a church hallway? Or a restaurant?

You can’t.

But, here’s what you can do:

Set some boundaries – Recognize that you know better than anyone else what helps you now – and what doesn’t. Set firm, healthy boundaries that will protect your vulnerable heart. Make choices that fill your spirit with hope and surround you with people who truly understand how to help. Say “no” to people and events that leave you empty, discouraged, or afraid. Remember, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power….” [II Tim 1:7]. Use that power to enforce good boundaries.

Give some grace – It’s hard to imagine trying to muster compassion for someone whose remark has just reduced you to tears. The temptation is to focus on the pain they’ve caused. Don’t do it. Release it, reclaim your hope, and let God heal your wound. As Jesus prayed, “…forgive them, they know not what they do” [Luke 23:34].

Find some community – You may be looking to the wrong community for encouragement and hope. If family and friends have failed to offer meaningful support, seek out other couples who understand this journey. Meet with a counselor or clergy member who is not afraid to confront your feelings. And claim this promise, “…hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” [Romans 5:5]. When no one else stands with you, God delivers His hope to you through the Holy Spirit.

Make some progress – There is no greater satisfaction in this journey than sensing forward progress. Instead of measuring it just by test results or egg harvests, learn to measure progress this way: “… let us throw off everything that hinders us… and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” [Heb 12:1-2]. Hurtful remarks hinder us. So does dwelling on them. If we are to run with perseverance, then this isn’t likely to be a sprint. We must pace ourselves – and applaud every bit of progress we make.

The Finish Line is waiting. Don't be distracted by the voices of the crowd.

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Find more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & the Purpose of Pressure

"We were a mess. Why was God doing this to us?! I got angrier and angrier. I was definitely in the mode of trying to figure out ways to fix things. It was so hard for me that I couldn't fix this -- I wanted to!"

These are the words of a twenty-something husband who shared his infertility experience with me as part of the book, Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples. Trey’s honest assessment of his frustration and uncertainty was mirrored in the comments of the other nine men I interviewed – and many others I’ve met in years of working with infertile couples.

Like their wives, these men frequently feel helpless and hopeless. The anger that results has a profound effect on their relationships – with their spouses, and with the God they thought they knew. It also undermines their sense of themselves as Doers, Fixers, and Providers.

Our society expects men to be confident, capable, and even stoic in the face of difficulty. To see a need, and do something. To identify a problem, and fix it. Whether genetically or culturally, they’ve internalized the imperative: Find a solution! That expectation creates tremendous pressure when a couple is going through infertility. As James described it:

“The pressure built as we started to find out about possible complications and options. The more it built, the more I felt like, “What’s happening?!” I sure came close to being angry at God. I didn’t understand at all. And you come to that point where you think it can’t get any worse. I mean, what is going on here?! When I felt too pressured, I pulled away. That’s when a lot of stress built up in our marriage.”

Would you believe it if I told you this point in the infertility journey is very common? And that it’s a well-disguised blessing?

Well-disguised, maybe… but a blessing? How?

Infertility forces couples to confront the head-on collision between their dream of parenting and their current reality. In the process, it forces them to make a choice. They can allow their feelings to drive a wedge into their relationships (with each other, and with God), or they can find a constructive way to deal with those feelings and strengthen those relationships.

The couples who ignore their feelings, and put realizing the dream ahead of strengthening their relationships, pay a high price. The unrelenting pressure of infertility causes fault lines to crack wide open, increasing the sense of frustration and separation. Not only are the relationships weakened, but couples get caught in a vicious cycle in which everything seems to be coming apart.

By contrast, those who deal with their emotions and put relationships first uncover many blessings. They revisit their expectations and realize some were faulty, unhealthy or simply incorrect. As they make adjustments, they discover passageways to renewed peace, greater trust, and grace-filled compassion.

They come to see that the pressures of infertility can actually serve to “...refine them like silver and test them like gold” [Zech 13:9]. In the process, these pressures can seal a deeper commitment to the future that is coming, and the relationships that will sustain its promise. Couples begin to see that God can use infertility to forge firmer bonds – between future parents, and between God and His people. As a result, they can actually find cause for gratitude.

My advice: Don’t become so obsessed with the outcome of this journey that you lose sight of this well-disguised blessing. Work through your feelings, nurture your relationships, and trust God's purposefulness. It beats the alternative. Just ask the dads, Trey and James.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Finding Hope During Infertility

My favorite blogger, Jon Acuff, wrote about hope yesterday. I don’t know if he ever went through infertility—most guys don’t seem to volunteer that information—but he definitely understands how it can feel to long for hope. To think you’ve grasped it, and then feel it slipping away. He writes:

“Hope is one of the first things that disappears when you get lost. Your ability to see beyond your current circumstances is chased south by the shadows. Your ability to dream and plan and hold visions close to your chest fades until hope feels foreign and far away.”

He’s right, and it can happen in an instant. One minute, you think this could be the month when everything changes, when all the meds and shots and office visits and heartache become worth it. Your hopes are high… the counts look good… and then… no heartbeat on the ultrasound.

No baby.

As the shadows deepen and the realization chases hope away, a part of you knows you’ve got to reboot and psych up to do it all again. Muster some more hope, even if you’re not feeling it. Because otherwise, how are you going to keep doing this? And what other choice do you have?

As the tears start to fall, you wonder, will it ever happen for us? Jon writes:

“There’s a temptation to believe you’re doing something wrong if you don’t feel hopeful 24/7.”

That’s a trap a lot of us fall into, thinking "it's all about me and what I did (or didn't do)." We start doubting the hope that seemed so prescient just before we got the news. We begin thinking that this moment’s lack of hope not only mirrors a past full of failures, but also foreshadows a future of many more. And then, we sink into the darkness of despair.

We want to escape this awful place — this terrible feeling — and something urges us: grieve the past, push through the present, and seize control of the future. It’s the only way to get what you want. Believe in yourself, and don’t give up. That’s the only way. It’s what’s working for everyone else.

Don’t fall for the lie.

God says, receive my grace for all that is past. Trust the plans I have for your future. And meet me here in the present. I will give you peace in the midst of uncertainty. Trust me with all your heart; don’t trust yourself to make sense of this. Believe that I have a plan and a purpose, and I will show you the way out of darkness into hope and a future [Prov 3:5-5, John 14:27, Jer 29:11].

Despite our hunger for hope and our desperate need for help, we’re tempted to turn our backs. To say, No thanks, God. I want a baby, and you didn’t say anything about a baby. I want control, and I think I can have a baby if I find the right doctor, and take the right medicines, and eat the right foods, and get the right exercise, and do the right things, in the right order, at the right time, on the right month…. And, I hope that’s true.

I... I... I....

What if it's not true? What if you're not in control of this story? Then, what happens to your hope? The shadows lengthen at the thought.

But, what if you're not meant to be in control? And what if that's a gift? What if you haven't failed? What if it's just not time yet? What if God intends to transform your experience before your baby comes? What if there is so much that you don't understand?

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you.... [Eph 1:18]. There is a hope that transcends the moment of bad news, the blood counts and test results of this day, and the despair that's guaranteed to be part of this journey. It's hope with staying power.

It took me awhile to find it, and longer to trust it. But it changed everything.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility Survey Says...

In a recent study of 200 women, a high correlation was found between those who said they were religious and those with low rates of anxiety/depression during fertility treatment. Lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher pregnancy rates. So, it stands to reason that spiritual women should have more pregnancies.

-Newsweek, 3/24/08

In the beginning, when couples walk through the door to the infertility Bible study, the men look apprehensive, and the women, fragile to the point of tears. But that changes. Over the course of the study, they come to realize the wisdom of letting go of (the illusion of) control. They learn the value of being still and listening for God. And with that understanding comes peace in the midst of uncertainty.

I can literally see the change occur. Body language goes from self-protective – arms crossed, gazes averted, huddled close to their spouse – to open, relaxed, and receptive. The real change is occurring in the spirit, but it is reflected in the unspoken language of the body. That change indicates God’s growing presence, which creates new possibilities.

So, is the study right in its prediction that these increasingly spiritual women have more pregnancies? I’d have to say, yes. And no. Yes, because experience has shown me—again and again and again—that those who see infertility as an invitation to draw nearer to God, and who respond to that invitation, are likely to become parents. But no, because sometimes the result is not a pregnancy; sometimes, it is an adoption.

Here’s the important thing: that is no less a miracle.

I don’t say that as a Pollyanna. I’m not advocating, “be happy about failure,” or “suck it up and compromise.” I’m saying, make a paradigm shift. Recognize that, sometimes, God calls couples to steward a soul who comes into their life in a different way than they might have expected. That’s not defeat; that’s a different plan for victory. And it is no less a gift.

Are those couples disappointed? Truthfully?

“Alumni” couples often return to the Bible study to talk to current participants about their experiences. One entire class is devoted to hearing from adoptive parents. They speak with conviction about their certainty that their particular child belongs with them: “God chose him for us,” “We knew as soon as we held her that she was meant to be our daughter.” In some cases, they also share stories of the effect the adoption had on the birth parent(s).

With loving grace, I suggest to you: let go of your vision of how this story will unfold, and when. Give God as much room as possible to work in your story. He wants to give you His very best. He wants to create a pinwheel of blessing, and it may touch souls you don’t even know.

Will you make way for that possibility?

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Can We Talk About Infertility?

If misery loves company, why do we insist on isolating ourselves when we need support the most? One woman with the courage to go public with a private loss wrote this in a Newsweek editorial:

“The doctor said the test had indicated an unviable pregnancy. I started talking to other pregnant women (who seemed to be all around me) and learned what no one tells you until devastation has set in: up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

People keep too mum about private tragedies such as this. True, miscarriages are not catastrophic, especially in terms of sheer commonality, but it can tear away a piece of you that you didn’t know was there. We need to talk to each other, rather than suffer surrounded by silent sisters.”

She’s right. We need to talk to each other. Suffering in silence only compounds the sense of isolation we already feel in the midst of infertility.

So, why don’t we talk? Why don’t we tell each other, “I lost a pregnancy” or “I lost a child”? The tidal wave of grief is already washing over us. The only way to get a lifeline is to call for help.

What’s stopping us?

Pride is what silenced me. I hated to admit I was failing at something so many other women seemed to accomplish effortlessly. Seemed being the key word. If the Newsweek writer is to be believed, there were miscarriages going on all around me. But no one talked about it. Those silent sisters kept their secrets and I foolishly believed that I was alone in my misery. That I was the only one struggling to catch up with everyone else’s instant gratification.

Now, consider this: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” [James 4:6].

Ouch.

My pride was rooted in a desire for self-reliance and control. I was raised to consider self-reliance a virtue…an admirable quality often seen in leaders… the mark of a “can do” go-getter. And control as the holy grail. But God doesn’t see it that way. He sees arrogant self-centeredness that refuses to make room for Him. Or worse, an entitlement attitude that puts me on the throne and Him at my beck and call (in the form of “I want/I need” prayer).

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Thank goodness I finally set my pride aside and began to share my struggle. Grace came from all around me, in the form of stories shared by women who’d also kept their struggles secret. All of us had bought into the lie that we alone were failing to conceive. We alone kept miscarrying. Meanwhile, “we” were everywhere.

Don’t make my mistake. Share your story. There’s a silent sister out there suffering, and she needs to hear it.

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Find more cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility: Prison or Classroom?

“If we see painful situations as threats, they become prisons for our souls. Like inmates in medieval dungeons, we languish…wishing the problems would just go away. Or, we try frantically to get out any way we can.”

- Zig Ziglar, author/speaker

I doubt Zig was thinking about infertility when he talked about a prison for our souls. But, it seems like a pretty good metaphor: trapped in seemingly inescapable confines…. separated from the rest of the world and everything normal... feeling punished, isolated, forgotten, and afraid… forced to join a subset of humanity no one wants to join… wondering if it will ever be possible to escape and rejoin the ranks of those enjoying life on the outside.

It’s easy to see the parallels. And, it’s tempting to give in to the despair that beckons as a result.

But we can have a different perspective, “one that sees problems not as prisons but as classrooms where God gets our attention, transforms our character, and gives us strong hope….”

Who couldn’t use strong hope while waiting for IVF transfer results? Or a heartbeat on an ultrasound? Or a phone call with the news: yes, or no? We all could. So, how do we escape the prison of fear and negative thinking, and enter that classroom where God changes us?

We choose to walk out the open door.

Amazingly, we can leave this prison whenever we’re ready. As in scripture, where God repeatedly frees those He loves by opening prison doors, He has swung this door wide open. We are not condemned. We have not been judged and punished. We are not forgotten, and we need not be afraid. We have unconsciously chosen a prisoner’s perspective, but the good news is: “God sets prisoners free” [Psalm 146:7].

Consciously choosing to walk out the open door and leave prison behind, we can seek a different place for our souls to dwell as we seek a new perspective on infertility—one that enables us to be transformed, and gives us strong hope. Impossible? “What is impossible with (wo)man is possible with God” [Luke 18:27].

The door is open. And the only One who knows how your story will end is waiting to teach you, encourage you, and help you.

Care to join me in the classroom?

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Infertility and Surrender

What does it mean when prayers for a pregnancy don’t get answered? When a baby doesn’t make it to term, even though you pray for its health and beg God for its life? When an adoption doesn’t go through, even though every step in the process has seemed like answered prayer?

There is no public dialogue on questions like these. Maybe they’re too difficult, or too emotionally-charged. Maybe they force people to think about things they’d rather not consider, or confront truths they’d rather avoid. Whatever the reason, the absence of answers leaves us alone with our thoughts. And those can be devastating.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” What are we supposed to make of these words of Jesus’? They used to submerge me in despair. I was praying. I was believing. And instead of a baby, I had miscarriage after miscarriage – leaving me with the question: What am I doing wrong? Why don’t my prayers get answered?

Are you wondering the same thing?

Here’s what I’ve come to understand:

At first, my will wasn’t aligned with God’s. My will was: give me a baby now. It was, to be perfectly honest, an infantile kind of willfulness that was too obsessed with gimme! to consider God’s purpose or His timing. I wasn’t praying with a servant’s heart; surrender was nowhere on my radar screen. My prayer was more often, “why not?!” – and sometimes, I didn’t even wait for an answer.

My prayers were more about entitlement than obedience. Without realizing it, I presumed that I knew best. That a child now was better than a child later; that this pregnancy would trump a future one; that the sooner I got a “yes,” the happier I’d be. It was all about my plan (now!), not God’s plan. It was about satisfying my intense desire (entitlement), not about serving God’s purposes (obedience).

My impetuous neediness wasn’t all that mattered to God. Despite my sense that I couldn’t hang on much longer without getting the baby I wanted, God knew I could. He resisted my pleas with patient wisdom, despite the fact that my suffering broke His heart. Over time, my broken spirit became a malleable one, and God made me more of the steward He wanted me to be for the soul He’d always planned to entrust to me.

Then, I learned to pray for God’s best. Instead of trying to wrestle with God over whose will should prevail, I finally began to demonstrate my trust by letting go of my desire to control. I chose to trust that God intended to make me a parent – in His way, in His timing. With that choice to surrender, came a wave of peace. And with peace, came a pregnancy… that went to term… and brought into the world the baby intended for me.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” For a long time, I didn’t believe that I had received anything. Where was some evidence? All I could see was that I hadn’t received what I wanted. But, when I learned to pray for God’s best – His best timing, His best plan, His best reasons, His best outcome – and trust that I had received a “yes” in response to that request, everything changed.

Surrender was the secret to victory.

Imagine that.

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Temporary (infertility) Insanity

Infertility causes temporary insanity. At least, that’s what I think. I say that not as the wife of a psychiatrist – who would vehemently disagree with my armchair diagnosis—but as someone who experienced it first-hand.

What’s my evidence? Let’s start with the single-minded obsession. The compulsive checking, tracking, monitoring, documenting, and comparing. The inability to concentrate on anything else. The mood swings. The drama. The tears. Should I continue? It would be easy to blame it all on the meds… but probably not accurate.

If you’ve been there—or if you’re there now—you know what I mean. There’s really no alternative, right? That’s just part of the deal when you’re going through infertility. Well… not so fast.

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Jesus asked these questions of the disciples when they seemed to miss the point of his lesson. Essentially, he was saying, “Do you still not have my perspective?”

He could just as easily be asking us.

What perspective is he talking about? See what? Hear what? Remember what?

In the midst of infertility, it’s easy (and common) to feel as if we can’t see or hear or remember anything… unless it’s related to having a baby. That’s all we can think about. Constantly. It’s all we can see: pregnant women everywhere. It’s all we can hear: everyone (but us) saying, “I’ve got great news!” It’s all we can remember: it hasn’t happened for me.

Our intensely-focused desire is all-consuming. But somehow, that focus doesn’t seem to help us get any closer to the goal. In fact, the obsession with getting—and staying—pregnant is actually making it harder to think clearly, see the big picture, and hear the good news.

Wait a minute. What good news?

“Do you still not see and understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” The good news is that God is eternal, unchanging and faithful. He is a promise-keeper who longs to use our circumstances for our benefit. The opportunity exists. And, the Bible says He will—if we will let Him. Trust that He is at work, and claim His promise: “…I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’”

It’s the only real antidote to infertility insanity.

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Less is More, Even with Infertility

“Taking the 5 loaves and 2 fish and looking up to heaven, Jesus gave thanks…” [Mark 6:41].

My friend, Toni, is jokingly referred to as “the one egg wonder” by the staff at her reproductive endocrinologist’s office. Having crossed the imaginary line between fertility and infertility on her 35th birthday, she was told to get busy getting pregnant. “When we talked to the doctor about statistics,” she says, “we realized we’d better try to do something, or it might be too late to do anything.”

Many failed IUIs later, after extensive soul-searching, she decided to go forward with IVF. The retrieval resulted in one egg. Toni was ecstatic—until her doctor explained that one egg was statistically dismal. Not easily discouraged, Toni chose to cling to the hope that one egg was all she needed.

“The doctor told me, ‘you may want to consider adoption.’ Before even trying the IVF she was already expecting a negative outcome! I remember saying, ‘I know you can only do what you can do, but there’s another factor involved here. I didn’t want to say, ‘God is doing the work’ because I didn’t want to offend her, but that’s what I was thinking.”

Everyone at the doctor’s office regarded Toni as mildly delusional—until her son was conceived and delivered.

What did she know that they didn’t? What gave her the sense that something virtually impossible was perfectly possible? And how did she hold on to that confident expectation, even when the experts thought she was crazy? According to Toni, she prayed with a thankful heart. “I’ve always prayed ‘thank you’ for everything. I learned the scriptures that were relevant to infertility. Once I had that going for me, I just felt really confident.”

Jesus modeled that same confident expectation just before feeding 5,000 people with just 5 loaves and 2 fish. Everyone around him saw lack, but Jesus saw plenty.

In the midst of infertility, it is our tendency to dwell on insufficiency. We become obsessed with numbers that aren’t high enough, follicle counts that aren’t large enough, options that aren’t plentiful enough.

One egg? Get serious!

We need to remember that the gap between our “realistic” perception of insufficiency and God’s knowledge of plenty is enormous. And there’s only one way to bridge it: by faith. We aren’t given the gifts of foreknowledge or control; those are God’s territory. But, we are invited to believe that “very little” can be “more than enough.”

It worked for Jesus. It worked for Toni. It could work for you.

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Infertile, and Smart Like Sheep

According to an ABC News investigative report, sheep may not be as stupid as previously thought. Conventional wisdom says sheep are the ultimate metaphor for unthinking, instinctive behavior. But apparently, not so. Researchers developed intelligence tests for sheep and—surprise!—they can actually learn to make good choices and work with their shepherds.

We can, too.

Infertility spurs a fair amount of unthinking, instinctive, sheep-like behavior. For my husband and me, that meant trying to do whatever seemed to be working for absolutely everyone else. No luck there. So, next up: old wives’ tales. Still no luck. So, we started buying ovulation predictor kits. Did it ever occur to us that no result meant no ovulating? Well…. truthfully? No. We’d stand in the bathroom staring at that stick. “Can you see anything?” “What does it mean if it doesn’t match the picture on the box?” “What should we do now?”

Very sheep-like.

Not knowing what to do, we kept looking for the flock. What was everybody else doing? What was everybody else trying? Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be an “everybody else.” As far as we could tell, we were the lone lost sheep—the only ones who’d somehow wandered way off the beaten path. We felt “…like sheep without a shepherd.” Like there was no one to show us where to go. What to do. How to get answers.

Those words—“like sheep without a shepherd”—come from scripture. They are actually a description of Jesus’ assessment of a crowd that gathered to see him. “They were like sheep without a shepherd” [Mark 6:34]. Clueless. “He had compassion on them,” the story continues, and “so, he began teaching them many things.”

That’s the good news. Sheep can learn. When they are motivated and paying attention, they can absorb relevant information. That’s what the ABC News story reported—and many, many years prior, that’s what Jesus knew.

When infertility makes it impossible to think clearly, to find the path, to catch up with the flock that seems to be having no trouble, the shepherd is available to help. He can teach things that enable the sheep to make good choices. They can learn to recognize the sound of his voice, to respond when he calls, to seek him when they are lost, and to expect his help whenever they are in trouble. They can learn to trust him.

It’s not too much to hope that we can be smart like sheep.

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Shatter the Silence Around Infertility

Conceiving and carrying a baby to term is difficult for some of us—but not all. So, what does it mean to be singled-out for suffering? The church is oddly silent when it comes to addressing this question. Not just my church. All churches. They are all failing to provide insight... compassionate support… even just overt grace to those struggling to build a family. Instead, they offer silence.

Why?

In her review of Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches writes, “Clergy don’t even know how to talk about infertility in the 21st century, [so] many of our faith communities are silent when confronted with the unfulfilled longing for a child.” Essentially, she’s saying the church is silent because the clergy are clueless.

Harsh? No offense intended, but she says it quite clearly, “They don’t even know how to talk about infertility….” Why would that be? There are few, if any, other topics on which the church—and those who speak for God through it—have nothing to say. What’s the problem?

Old habits die hard.

That’s part of the problem. For centuries, the church has been run by men. And, for just as long, infertility has been considered a woman’s failure. Only recently has medical research discovered that infertility is just as often caused by an issue with the prospective father’s health as with the prospective mother’s.

Now, women are in the pulpit and infertile men are in the pews. But the church hasn’t metabolized this new reality. No one’s teaching “How to Talk About Infertility” in divinity school. What’s stopping that change from coming?

Supply meets demand.

That’s the other part of the problem. No noise. No clamor for change. Until the silent give voice to their suffering, inertia will maintain the status quo. So, if we want messages of hope for those struggling with infertility to make their way to the pulpit, and from the pulpit into the hearts and minds of all those who don’t yet understand the good news of God’s faithfulness—even in the midst of infertility—we’ve got to speak up.

Are you with me?

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Hope > Optimism During Infertility

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams”

- Henry David Thoreau

This is how every infertility journey starts, isn’t it? Full of confidence, we set off in the direction of the perfect pregnancy. It will happen effortlessly. At most, within a few weeks of trying. We’ll tell everyone the good news, buy lots of maternity clothes, enjoy baby showers with friends and family, have an easy delivery, and poof… have the perfect baby. What a plan!

Sort of like the perfect wedding, we’ve unconsciously come to desire — and expect — the perfect path to parenthood. Unrealistic? Infertility makes that pretty clear. Unreasonable? That’s harder to answer.

Clearly, some women do sail through pregnancy and delivery. Too often, we see them on the cover of People magazine, smiling blissfully as they enjoy their moment in the spotlight. It’s hard to look at them without wondering, “Why her and not me? Why is she blessed and I’m…” What? Cursed?

Not so fast. Maybe this detour is for a purpose.

Consider these words from Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church: “Optimism is psychological; hope is theological.” This one sentence from his recent sermon got me thinking….

Optimism is what Thoreau advocates: choose to be confident, and set out. It’s the favorite advice of all Type A’s: Go for it! You can do it! But that you-can-do-it confidence is rooted in the belief that you can do it. Infertility teaches each one of us: No, you can’t.

But God can. That’s why hope—real theological hope that is God-centered and God-focused—is more than optimism. It’s more than believing you can if you just try hard enough. It’s admitting that you can’t, but trusting that God still can. It’s acknowledging that your limitations are not His, but your dream of becoming a parent… is.

Ground yourself in this kind of confident hope, and wait expectantly. Trust that this detour is for a purpose—part of which may be teaching you humble God-reliance. God will honor your trust in His perfect timing with His very best.

Wait and see.

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Now Infertility's a Disease?

(Nov. 30, 2009) BioNews, London – The World Health Organization (WHO), in conjunction with the International Committee for Monitoring Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ICMART), has formally recognized infertility as a disease in its new international glossary of Assistive Reproductive Technologies (ART) terminology.

Why does it matter if experts label infertility “a disease”? What does that change for those of us who are struggling with it?

A disease connotes diagnose-ability. Treat-ability. Even, cure-ability. What if you fall in the 10-20% of couples whose infertility can’t be explained? For whom treatment doesn’t work? For whom there is no apparent cure? Does calling it a disease just rub salt in the wound?

Too often, infertility settles into a couple’s life and spirits like a cancer — with an unnerving sense of permanence. The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation. There may be millions of others battling the same “disease,” but they are nowhere to be found. Rarely do they choose to self-identify; the social stigma is too powerful. So, even as our spirits crave companionship, we feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering we do not understand.

Separated from everything “normal,” we seem to be drifting further and further away from anything familiar. Where to? And why is God allowing this to happen?

When life is unfolding according to plan, most of us prefer to side-step the broad philosophical question of why people suffer, as if suffering—like a disease—could be contagious. But infertility propels the question to the forefront with desperate urgency.

The question becomes much more personal—“why me?”—and insistent when the suffering is our own.

In the beginning, all thoughts and feelings about infertility spring from the big, central question: “WHY?” With time, and without conceiving, the “why?” multiplies and metastasizes. Its offshoots begin to spring up everywhere. Why us? Why me? Why now? Why not? Why them?

Anxiety feeds the questions. Doubt does, too. Jealousy poisons many thoughts with toxic envy. The “why?” spreads to cover all aspects of the struggle to get pregnant, sinking its roots deep into the spirit: Why does everyone else…? Why haven’t we…? Why did they…? Why, if we…? Why, if they…? Why not us?!

This state of constant emotional turbulence is a disease. A “dis-ease” that makes it impossible to recover a sense of equilibrium. And this “dis-ease” seems even harder to treat than infertility itself. What can possibly cure it but having our heart’s desire?

Nothing.

What doctor will take this case?

Only the great physician. He alone can diagnose, treat, cure… and bless. He alone.

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